Friday, 6 November 2009

Amazon #29: Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Paperback novelisation)

5 stars - link

Life moves pretty slowly; let's get off.

‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’, or volume 6 in Todd Strasser’s ‘Futile Development of Angst’ series, raises almost twice as many questions as it manages to answer over the course of it’s 176 dense, crammed and utterly vital pages.

While it’s easy to forget the fact, Todd Strasser hasn’t always been the literary giant he’s currently considered. When this book first appeared on the scene, I recall a fair amount of unfocused derision directed at Strasser, and at the time I remember thinking that this was unfair treatment of a genuinely promising mercurial talent.

It’s criminal that when people hear the name ‘Ferris Bueller’, they immediately think of the hackneyed portrayal committed to celluloid by Matthew Broderick (best known as a monkey’s friend in the execrable Project X), and this does an injustice to the masterly written character contained in the manuscript – much of the prose is written in a detached stream of consciousness style, recalling to mind some of the early literary experiments by James Joyce and Emile Zola.

However, the story is never less than utterly involving, detailing the existential road trip between Ferris and his flawed friend Cameron (thankfully no women here, unlike the characters created for the film, who are ghastly yet alluring) as they plot to murder Cameron’s cruel, unloving father. On the way they meet a vast array of complex symbolist characters, while being tailed by local sheriff-gone-bad Edward Rooney, and notorious serial killer Abe Froeman, the Sausage King of Chicago (who, again, is utterly unrecognisable in the film).

A slight criticism could be made of Strasser’s uneconomical writing style in this period, but only because we’ve all seen what a master of the written word he’s become in recent times. This is well worth revisiting with open eyes, and I declare it nigh on impossible to read it without it changing your life in some way. IMPOSSIBLE, I DECLARE.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Amazon #28: Car Charger Windscreen Holder Mount For Apple iPhone

5 stars - link

This has changed the way I both use a phone, drive and touch things. Other people seem to use this for sat nav purposes - personally, I prefer to watch films. If you'd told me 30 years ago that I could watch Timecop while driving to Chipping Sodbury, I would have looked at you in sheer bemusement for a number of reasons.

A word of warning though - it's unsuitable for high speed pursuits. Even tackling speed bumps at a lowly 40mph is liable to leave you with a well designed piece of mangled wreckage strewn about your faux leather interior.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Amazon #27: Doug Box's Guide to Posing for Portrait Photography

5 stars - link

Doug "thinking outside the" Box has produced a guide to posing in front of the camera, but could it be said to be a truly definitive measure of how you should stand, sit, squat or lean in front of the professional lens? The answer, happily, is yes.

Although the reflections on windows evident in some of his portraits imply a level of sexual deviancy, it's certainly not to an excessive degree, and seems relatively harmless compared to most photographers.

Some of the favoured poses featured in the posing pamphlet include:

"The Lampard"
Stoic, indignant, poised, heroic, enigmatic, solid; yet smug and hateful with terrible hair. This type of pose can often be seen by Argos models selling tennis equipment. If you can get hold of an ill-fitting yet massive tie, it screams "I'M A PROFESSIONAL AND I CAN AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE PERFECT SNAP."

"The Macchio"
Reminiscent of a Karate Kid montage - the posee stand on one leg, with both arms raised at a 45 degree angle from the perpendicular. Ideal for silhouettes.

"The Gargoyle"
The posee stand on a lofty perch, glowering over the city with a look of pure scorn ingrained in the eyes, and with both hands contorted into talons. If the model has wings, they should be half unfurled - like they're about to swoop down and cause traffic chaos.

"The Never-Mind"
The most common pose known to man - Doug Box estimates that 94 percent of all photos featuring people feature this pose. Common features include a slightly hunched back yet with straight arms hanging down either side, a furrowed brow and unkempt hair, a slightly open mouth, and a pair of piercing red eyes that scream 'VAPIDITY' rather than anything resembling genuine evil.

Monday, 3 August 2009

The 6 word review #5: Knifeworld - Pissed up on Brake Fluid 7"



"Kavus? Hooray! This is fucking brilliant."




More info : http://www.myspace.com/knifeworlduk

And for further information on the Monsoon Bassoon, who I consider the best band ever, and why I'm so excited about Knifeworld:

http://www.myspace.com/themonsoonbassoon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Monsoon_Bassoon

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Nate Myles

Probably the best news story I have ever seen.



Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Amazon #26: Verbatim 43549 DVD-R, 16x, 4.7GB, 100 Pack

4 stars - link

Amazon has requested that I write a review of this product, and I am only too happy to oblige - although I don't really have too much to say about them at the moment, as the majority of them are empty!
I will try and let you know what I think of the seven I've already used though, so I hope this will be good enough for all you amazonians out there.

1. This was a test burn DVD, that I made to test the new Verbatim DVD ares that I bought. It contained a text file of the word TESTTESTTEST. It was a succcess!

2. Number 2 was an exact copy of the first DVD mentioned above, that I seemed to have burned by mistake. Although the DVD burned successfully, due to human error I can only call this one a failure.

3. This was a picture slideshow of my wife's bus trip round the Pennines with members of her woman's club. Thankfully I didn't have to sit through the whole thing while it was being presented, eh gents?!?!?!? It burned successfully.

4. Volume 2 of the aforementioned slideshow mentioned above. Again, success!

5. Yet another DVD of the TESTTESTTEST test disc, as I wanted to be absolutely sure it was working. It succeeded!

6. This one is currently somewhere under the rear garden hedge, a few feet from where it joins onto the garage. Mr Weston's cat from a few doors down was hovering around by the bean patch, and I was anxious to scare him away before the little beast had a chance to do whatever it was it was going to do. The DVD stack was the nearest thing to hand, so I picked one off the top and hurled it at the little furry behemoth, catching it a third of the way down it's spine - needles to say, it certainly did the trick! It is still there as I am reticent as the sight of blood, but I still call it a success even if the good people at Verbatim never intended it to be used thus.

7. A kind reader sent me a video file of Ralph Bakshi's animated Lord of the Rings, so I burned it onto a DVD - it burned successfully, but the filmed leaves me just as baffled as the original film trilogy.

I hope this is of use - I will endeavour to add further reports in the comments section in future times.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Amazon #25: Freedom Cold Painted Semi Naked Woman Statuette

5 stars - link

Contrary to unpopular opinion, 'The Eternal Struggle' is merely my own subtitle to this piece of work of art. I fear that the sculptor (or sculptress) can only be described as a too-modest genius (or geniess) for not exhibiting this far more widely.

Nay, could it not surpass such popular works as Rodin's "The Thinker on the Toilet"? Mike and Angelo's "David"? Television's "Venus De Milo"? Yay, it could.

There are so many unanswered questions for me on studying this masterpiece for hours at a time, as I often do - for how long has she been locked in this transitionary state between clothed and declothed? How many suitors must this sensual creature have, and why have they not rushed to her aid? What in the name of buddha's teeth has happened to her legs?

But perhaps the biggest question is - why this is for sale on amazon and not being exhibited in the Louvre? I doff my cape to you amazon, it is quite a coup. Well played...

Monday, 15 June 2009

Amazon #24: Photo Jigsaw 16x12 (40x30cm) Enoch Powell calling for extensive repatriation of immigrants by Heritage-Images

2 stars - link

NB - I'm unsure if this will be approved for inclusion or not - I suspect not, so here it is regardless...

This 192 piece jiggysaw is actually very easy to do, befitting the abilities of the kind of intellectual donut who would buy this for himself or a racist uncle who constantly goes on about how he fought in a war, while not revealing that during it he gained the iron cross for services to demoralising radio broadcasts.

This is the first in a series of new politically dubious brain teasers; also in the series are Idi Amin's favourite word searches, a Jean Marie Le Pen Monopoly set ('do not pass go if you're Algerian'), and a Nick Griffin Rubik's cube where all the faces are white.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

The 6 word review #4: The Decemberists - The Hazards of Love



"Why did they stop writing songs?"

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

The 6 word review #3: Serge Gainsbourg - Histoire de Melody Nelson



"Paedophilia never sounded so fantastic, french."