IndieGestion

Amazon #47: 1421:The Year China Discovered the World

2011-02-03T14:36:00.001Z

3 stars - link

I very rarely write serious, impassioned, insightful and genuinely critical reviews on amazon, and I'm not about to start now.

This book is really silly.

Amazon #46: Draw Your Own Manga: All the Basics

2010-11-19T15:24:00.000Z

5 stars - link

1) Step one is the hardest step of all - be sure to an only child, and the offspring of itinerant HGV driver and the village outcast. Ideally, you will only have a cursory interest in both receiving and delivering the spoken word.

2) Hang around working quarries, waste depots and the like without wearing safety goggles - some kind of eye disease is vital.

3) Do not have an eye for details - if you possess one, discard it like you dispose of a mars bar wrapper while indulging your 30-a-day habit.

4) Sniff heroic amounts of glue between the ages of seven and forty three.

5) While sketching your first attempts at creating a manga masterpiece... a mangapiece, if you will - do it in the rain to get that authentic manga look (if the wind is above 30 MPH, all the better).

6) If the storyline is too linear, rearrange the pages and turn some of them upside down.

7) Most modern mangas that have been heard of outside the author's family have a rape scene of some kind. Just sayin'.

8) Publishing houses are stuck in the 18th century - all successful and original manga is distributed online (in much the same way as the music industry - if a musician releases his material solely online, it's regarded as the pinnacle of achievement by his peers.)

9) Don't dwell too long on the material - there's a reason why most manga looks like it was tossed off in a matter of minutes (ie, it was).

10) And finally - do not be put off by the sneering and derisory attitude of 'the world' as you paste pages of your mangapiece around areas of your local parish. Time will either vindicate you, or forget all about you.

Amazon #45: Status Quo - Pictures: 40 Years of Hits

2010-10-29T16:19:00.000+01:00

5 stars - link

An overdue anthology from the massively influential Catford band, cited as an influence by such modern luminaries as Devendra Banhart, Kate Bush, and frequently named as the favourite band of indie-pop lightweight Martin Carr to anyone who'll listen (which is now into double figures).

This collection does it's best to convey the wide range of experimental styles they've dabbled in throughout the years - the proto-Stooges rumble of 'Paper Plane', the Reichian minimalisms of 'Rockin' All Over the World' - and the apocalyptic boogie woogie stylings of songs such as 'Marguerita Time' owe a huge debt to player piano innovator Conlon Nancarrow.

The heavy hitting Pilger-like commentary of 'In the Army Now' has lost none of it's effect over time, and is a timely reminder of our brave troops serving in some foreign place, and the subversive take on gender politics of 'Don't Drive My Car' has become an unlikely theme song for many left-wing feminist movements.

With such a daunting and impenetrable discography, it's often been hard for the newcomer to appreciate where to begin with a band like Status Quo, and the elitist attitude of their hardcore fanbase is also daunting (who often yell "we give QUO QUARTER" at gig goers who don't know the lyrics to obscure b-sides by the Quo's 60's incarnation). Happily, this introduction will give these misunderstood underachievers a fresh perspective in a post-9/11 world.

Amazon #44: Plum Products 10-Foot Trampoline and Enclosure

2010-08-20T15:02:00.000+01:00

5 stars - link pending (but probably won't be approved)

I'll level with you because you're honest consumers, but I actually came across this product as I couldn't find any decent portable containment facilities, aka 'punishment parks' for disciplining vagrants, burglars, my children and also the children of others. I thought that maybe this ten foot trampoline could suffice, but was a little worried as everyone I know only has two feet.

I digress, and amusingly so! What was once a decent enough trampoline, is now a solid, impenetrable fortress. It's amazing what you can do when you remove a few springs, and add some barbed wire and a little electricity. The kids don't like it much, but that's sort of the point - when they start attending school, the discipline I'm instilling will stand them in good stead.

Amazon #43: The Sun Guide to the 2010 World Cup

2010-06-09T16:21:00.000+01:00

5 stars - link

Lucy, 22, a part-time hairdresser from Dulwich says:
"I always look forward to the world cup, because the Sun really comes into it's own as a man's newspaper: for men, by men, to men. This guide carries on their usual excellent work, but it's a shame that so many foreign countries get to take part. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for."

Denise, 19, a part-time student from Wycombe says:
"I love the World Cup, and the Sun's excellent coverage really make it more manageable for a girl like me to know what's going on. When I can tear it away from my man that is! Although it's disappointing so many people who aren't English speakers are allowed to take part. It's political correctness gone mad."

Rupert, 79, a media tycoon from Melbourne says:
"The Sun's coverage on any subject is unsurpassed; the World Cup is no exception. It's a shame that so many unpronouncable, unspellable and unspeakable countries and players are allowed to take part as it makes things so much harder for us to write about. It's broken Britain in practice: I've been assured Mr Cameron will change things in time for the 2014 World Cup, so we can make Britain great. Er, again."

Amazon #42: Ciroa Miniamo Wire Cupcake Tree

2010-04-16T16:02:00.000+01:00

5 stars - link (TBC)

While this is sturdy, reliable, exciting, decorative and is easing the pain of the days leading up to the general election, there's one problem - where on earth do you get wire cupcakes? My attempts at baking them were nothing short of disastrous, and when I asked the man at Waitrose about it he was very rude to me.

Can anyone help?!? Also, how are they eaten? Do I need wire teeth?

ps - it really does look like a tree doesn't it! Amazing artisanship.

Amazon overload?

2010-04-09T15:49:00.000+01:00

All the posts I've done here for ages have been amazon reviews. Does anyone miss me writing about other stuff? If you'd like to see me carry on some other noble traditions that this blog has given up on (ie, trying to be funny about whatever's on my mind at any given time), then write "yes please" or something in the comments.

However, if you have strong feelings against this, or are generally totally indifferent to me and my actions, then carry on ignoring me like you always do and proceed with your day. I just hope something of medium weight falls on you - not heavy enough to kill you, but heavy enough to make you think about what you're doing to me.

Amazon #41: Terminator 1-4 (4-Disc Set)

2010-04-09T15:44:00.001+01:00

5 stars - link

I don't know where to begin with these shocking travesties of film-making. It was bought for me as an easter gift from my first wife, and I can only suggest that she did it as a cruel sabotage of my mental well being.

I mean - it's such an unrealistic principle for a film. Killer robots, going around shooting guns at people - and occasionally even other robots! Has anyone here ever seen such a thing? I find it totally irresponsible to fill people's heads with such nonsense. It encourages people to live in some kind of fantasy farm world, where violence is ok and robots are either to be feared, or respected, laughed at, or brought into the family - depending which abortion of a film you decide to watch first.

I have to admit, the films do get better as they proceed - the 4th one is even sort of exciting as it's got Batman from American Psycho in it. So if you insist on watching these, my advice would be to do it in reverse order - but don't bother with the first one as it's from the 80s and looks really cheap (although it does have the man from K2 in it).

As I've said before, I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash. However; the packaging is exemplary, and it arrived within 7 days of ordering so 5 stars.

Amazon #40: Child Donkey Costume - Size Medium

2010-04-01T15:26:00.002+01:00

5 stars - link (REJECTED BY AMAZON)

I like this costume for 2 reasons - one) with a little imagination you can apply it to all major Christian / Secular holidays; and b) it's genuinely terrifying, much like the Dummy portrayed in the eponymous episode of Nigel Kneale's Beasts.

Obviously, it's most apt for Christmas; who doesn't know of the little donkey galloping towards Bethlehem with a heavily pregnant Mary on it's back, desperately trying to make it before the wandering star gets there and the stable closes for the holidays. It's also applicable for Easter, with some slight tweaks to the tale as told - in my version, it's a Roman donkey that nails Christ to the cross (see also Lindt bunnies: they can resemble donkeys with some strategic shattering on the head and torso).

Also, on May Day a donkey is sacrificed inside a larger makeshift 'Wicker Donkey', much to the children's delight. On Halloween it makes an appearance as the aforementioned Dummy as a tribute to Nigel Kneale, swiftly followed by an appearance on bonfire night as Guy's Ass. Then before you know it, Christmas has arrived again and the whole sorry cycle of forced jollity continues.

My holiday cynicism aside; this costume is a lot of fun, highly durable and tremendous value - although it has no real educational value, as if you want to learn anything about donkey anatomy from this then frankly, you're braying up the wrong haystack or whatever the hell it is donkeys do to express frustration at others.

Amazon #39: Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses

2010-03-18T16:33:00.000Z

5 stars - link

Sunglasses! What are they all about? Can anyone wear them? What are they for? Why are they for? Exactly, no-one really knows...

Originally invented to infiltrate Panda country by Tibetan guerillas in 927 AD, they've come a long way to the snazzy designer specs that are currently on the market - y'know, the kind that astronauts might wear. Woah!

Throughout European history, sunglasses fetishists have been pilloried and abused by the ignorant peasant masses. This came to a head in 1283, when the Vatican announced a mass purge of anyone suspected by the catholic church of being a speccy. Bejesus!

While with no real historical connection to protestantism per se, the sheer hatred felt by the Catholics towards sunglasses meant that Martin Luther was often seen sporting a pair, just to wind them up. For the next few centuries, sunglasses were intrinsically linked with the protestant movement - the older reader may remember some footage of a chapel on the outskirts of Portsmouth in 1920 that shows this. Really wild!

In modern times, sunglasses were introduced the British public by Bono as part of his many philanthropic enterprises he always goes on about - he in turn took the idea from watching an old Hume Cronyn film where he was seen sporting a pair of ray-bans. One love!

Anyway, these Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses are pretty good as far as sunglasses go.

Amazon #38: Jigsaw of a portrait of Ryan Shawcross at the annual club photocall at Carrington... from Manchester United

2010-03-12T16:50:00.001Z

5 stars - link

I was initially quite impressed with this jigsaw - I found it sturdy, solid and dependable, and a good prospect for the future - both in my house and further afield. But worryingly, I began to notice it had a tendency to lunge at other jigsaws in my collection. I first noticed this when I took it on holiday to Belgium, to get some experience and to attune myself to it's idiosyncrasies. It was a small price to pay though, as I found the jigsaw to be sturdy, solid and dependable.

I soon discovered that these tendencies were getting more and more out of control, despite his sturdy, solid and dependable nature - it took me 3 months to finish off my Francis Jeffers jigsaw after he jumped in. It went for my Adebayor jigsaw when he wasn't even on the table at the time - and when he lunged at my Aaron Ramsey jigsaw, the pieces went flying everywhere... I can't see me finishing that one for a while (I've never seen my Sol Campbell jigsaw look so furious).

Sociopathically violent tendencies aside, and considering he also has a face only a smotherer could love, I've found that the Shawcross jigsaw is sturdy, solid and dependable - I also need to add 'committed' to that list; because ultimately, despite all the shattered limbs, broken noses and unrepentant declarations; he's just not that kind of jigsaw.

Amazon #37: Cars [DVD]

2010-03-05T17:21:00.001Z

2 stars - link

My three year old loved what I let him watch of this film - however, I found it deeply confusing. I mean, maybe I'm missing the point, but a whole film of talking cars? Is this really what we want to show to our children?

I have to admit, I turned it off after an hour and a half as I was worried that my son was taking it too much to heart - I wonder how much it would weigh on Pixar's 'conscience' if my son decided to make friends with the speeding cars that go past our house? Exactly. Maybe I'm being overly protective, but he'll thank me when he's older hopefully. (Also, Jeremy Clarkson's cameo eradicated any respect I previously had for the man.)

However, it gains a bonus point for what is clearly Paul Newman's role of a lifetime - hopefully it turned out OK for his character in the end.

Amazon #36: Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World by Samuel Cameron

2010-01-22T16:27:00.000Z

5 stars - link

I would like to describe this book as invaluable, but only time (and reviews) could really tell if it is or not. I used the predictive tool outlined in chapter 17 ("What will become of your lonely soul: Avoiding a decrepit future for you and your purchased children"), which aims to point out what your future love life will be if you continue life along the same path that you're currently doing. The generated results were mildly curious:

27% probability: You will never find anyone who loves you, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
19% probability: You will find a partner in the next 5 years - you will stay together for 10 years and then break up, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
16% probability: There is a good chance that you will find a partner for life, but you will have to move to an area that could be more tolerable of your deeply unlikeable nature, such as Tredegar, Dudley or Minsk.
13% probability: You have already made a love connection, and the fact that you need statistics to find out the possibility of finding a better partner means you are a deeply unlikeable person.
12% probability: You are genuinely despicable and I would appreciate you returning this book for a refund.
11% probability: You are too much in love with yourself to care about loving anyone else, and you are a deeply unlikeable person.
2% probability: You are a nice person if you dig very deep down indeed, but your cause is generally not helped by speaking.

I have to award this book 5 stars for the remarkable prescience. It gives me no pleasure to do so, but it must be done.

Amazon #35: Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America by Chuck Norris

2010-01-12T20:46:00.000Z

4 stars - link

Charles Xavier Norris sets out his dystopian vision of a nightmare future in the U of S of A, in this frankly flimsy excuse for a pamphlet. His tendency to refer to himself in the third person is offputting and needless, and his seemingly endless wittering about how he developed his political views through the storylines of 'Walker, Texas Ranger' is beyond interminable. Even worse, the aforementioned political views actually seem to be copied from the wikipedia entry of 'USA in the 50s', but with a higher ratio of misspelt words.

I've never seen desperate flailing come across in written form before, and combined with his limited vocabulary, confused rhetoric and inability to grasp even the basics of primary school physics renders reading this book akin to watching Fearne Cotton attempt a gold run.

4 stars.

Amazon #34: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 5 - Five Gold Rings

2009-12-30T22:54:00.000Z

5 stars - link

While this book is not just for completists, it does have them all - Spitz, Zatopek, Bubka, Jackson, Christie, Akabusi, Gorokhovskaya, Biondi, Boardman, Klammer, Garrett, Spyridon Louis, Alfréd Hajós, Onishchenko (cheater), Dorando Pietri, Francisco Lázaro, Klassen, Regis, Schemansky, Taro Aso, Seb Coe, Pendleton, Olizarenko, Selassie, Allan Wells, Miruts Yifter and that Christian triple jumper whose name escapes me for the moment.

Amazon #33: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 4.

2009-12-28T19:00:00.003Z

5 stars - link

I bought this CD for my wife last year, as part of a grand scheme to recreate the 12 days of Christmas - this CD was supposed to represent the Four Calling Birds. This didn't go down too well, as my wife doesn't suffer fools gladly, and also has an IQ in triple figures (I know, we're not well matched).

I have to say, if the original Christmas song featured the line 'Four Wailing Bints' then it would be much nearer the mark. However, to quote alt-indie poetmeister DC Berman, 'all my favourite singers couldn't sing', so I'm actually well disposed to this slice of 90s disposable culture. Their version of Under the Bridge far surpasses the awful original, and their massive single 'Pure Shores' gave some much needed credibility to that dreadful film 'The Beach' (along with the casting of Paterson Joseph). It's a shame they're no longer together, but I'm still holding out hope for another reunion when they need some cash.

Anyway, in case your wondering I seriously had to grovel for my wife to take me back - happily, day five's book of Olympian heroes more than fixed things, until the leaping peers turned up.

Five stars - best record of the Naughties (Scottish pronunciation).

Amazon #32: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 3.

2009-12-28T18:35:00.000Z

5 stars - link

A wonderful example of a teenage guide to absurdist angst, this tale relates the struggles of Christophe, Serge and Jean-Claude as they search for meaning in their existence... which is resolved as they discover it's only to facilitate the song that they've helped make famous. Without them in between the two turtle doves and the four calling birds, the whole thing would descend into an avian farce before the calming influence of the five gold rings appears - clearly a metaphor for the Olympian ideal.

I thought this might be a little over the head of my three year old, but he loved it. Proof that you don't need sex, violence or vampires to engage the mind of today's youth.

Amazon #31: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 2.

2009-12-26T19:56:00.001Z

5 stars - link

While phenomenally exquisite and massively classy, it's an outrageous achievement that these little crystal creatures somehow manage to display massive warmth to us, the admirers (please remember they're made of hardened mineral, and are not toys).

What do you suppose these gold beaked aviators are thinking? Are they aware of the hustle and bustle that their appearance as a duo will undoubtedly create? Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Leaving such deep existentialist thoughts aside, I really really like these and think they are really really nice.

(Swarovski can't be blamed for the astonishing reaction displayed by my wife on opening this as a gift on Christmas morn - comments such as "where did you get the money for this?" and "why am I washing my hair in fairy liquid while you're down William Hill waiting for them to weigh in at Aintree?" are, frankly, irrelevant).

Amazon #30: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 1.

2009-12-25T23:10:00.001Z

5 stars - link

Well, does anything really say Christmas more than this tribute to the famous song, featuring flora and fauna living together in perfect harmony.

Here we see Mr Partridge lurking around with unknown motives, in his friend the pear tree. I suspect he's thinking of the photo opportunity, but lord knows - we all need to take these chances when they come along (my wife suspects the tree is also aware of the jovial happenstance, but she doesn't known as much about vegetables as I do).

Please note the print is available in different sizes, so is suitable for different kinds of wall surface areas throughout the world.

The Definitive Premier MUSIC LIST 2009.

2009-12-15T16:12:00.003Z

Jesus Christ, is it that time of year again? I believe it is! The definitive top ten records of 2009 list is coming at you, right now, below this frankly irrelevant introductory blurb which still needs to be here for some reason.

And what a year it's been! We've seen someone unknown and utterly shit win some kind of award, the continued and baffling rise of Lady HawHaw, and the biggest news event of the decade bar NONE - the death of Sir Michael Jackson, king of unproven paedophilia (or 'pop' as the tabloids call it). So great was it's effect that the people of Iran put down their primitive weapons and joined hands in mourning for the great man (at least, that's what I could gather from the news coverage).

On a personal note, the year wasn't so good - 1) I lost my cushy graphic design job, 2) my wife left me but sadly returned after a few glorious months and 3) I needed to vacate London for somewhere more secure, with far fewer people or police around (see point 1).

Anyway, looking back on last year's list, I can't believe how naive some of my choices were! Did I really include Miws and Terence in my top 10? Thankfully, Marmoset and Kevin Davies justified inclusion by following up on the initial promise (and I'm afraid I can't comment on Michaels Erikson's situation until the court case is resolved).

Without further anything, onto the list... gosh, this is utterly exciting or something...

1. Slush Fund - Powerviolence

I thought grindcore had died out pretty soon after Napalm Death ill-advisedly birthed it as a reaction to Thatcher's brutal reign; but then along came Slush Fund! With powerful and violent drumming offsetting the powerful and violent guitars, which work incredibly well with the violently powerful cello section that set this band apart from it's non-existent contemporaries... and in a genre known for it's brevity, the 12 minutes long works out were a breathe of fresh air to this obstinate writer.

2. The zz - DVD-RW+

Great new young-pup-electro-indie band from somewhere in London that everyone else seems to like, hence their inclusion here. I nearly remembered one of their songs just then, but the moment has gone.

3. McManamanara - Hibiscus Now!

I know, the inclusion of the controversial US band could raise some eyebrows... but leaving aside the fierce right wing rhetoric, the calls for involuntary repatriation for anyone who disagrees with them (which includes a high majority of US nationals) and the declaration that bearing arms should be mandatory, on this record you could find a solid rhythm section and some great singing from Hank Exocet. Sadly, their reputation never recovered after Exocet was outed as a South African pre-op transgender person, but at least he/she/it seems to have settled down a bit.

4. Andrew Chesterfield - Left at the Lights

Gnu-acoustic newcomer Chesterfield popped up from nowhere to take the BBC Radio Lincolnshire North 'Best newcomer under the age of 16' prize at their inaugural folk awards last year - before he was stripped of the title early this year as his real age was revealed to be 34. No matter - Left at the Lights is a wonderful record, full of fuzzy banjos, croonsome strings, maudling mandolins and yet further fuzzy banjos. While there was an occasional misstep to be heard, the heart-rending version of Atari Teenage Riot's 'Get Up While You Can' was not among them.

5. Critter Congregation - At Play With...

Breakthrough record for the Canadian psychedelic sextant, and considering it's their 48th release it's not before time... and yet their average age is still only 28! (which includes 72 year old theremin virtuoso Solomon Penski, which gives you no idea where they're coming from). In a year otherwise dominated by thrash or generally downbeat indie-folk hybrids, the playful melodic stupid irritability of tracks such as 'Rainbow Troops' and 'I've Got John's Trousers' were a welcome breath of fresh air, provided the air was secretly contaminated with LSD and asbestos.

6. Whiny Rachel - The Cold Dark Night of the Mole

It's a shame that the backstory of the record has outshone the music contained herein, but never mind. Rachel Williams early career was full of promise, and she soon signed to big money indie label ShankDitch - right at the same time that label head and professional prick Jeffsy Conraad laid off two thirds of the workforce. A heroic graphic designer, unhappy at how he'd been treated, then subtly altered the titles to a number of releases before sending the completed art to the manufacturer; whenceupon Rachel Williams was rebirthed as Whiny Rachel, and by this point it was far too late to do anything about it. (see also how dubstep superstar D-Scale became simply D-Twat, and indie tykes The Gloryfields became Bunch o' Cockrags).

Luckily, Rachel's music is far too superior to suffer at the hands of any sabotage (no matter how well thought out and brilliantly done), with the record sounding like Nick Drake would if he was a teenage woman, played the banjo, and was still alive. I suspect that the wronged designer regrets affecting an album this good, but I also suspect he was at the end of his tether and wanted to hurt is former employers rather than Rachel. I'm also sure he'd apologise to her if he could, but certainly not to the label or that twat Conraad, who is also a prick.

7. Llywellyn and the Llywellyns - Idiot Son of Donkey Kong

While I've never been a fan of the rock opera, I will make an exception for this young North Walian outfit. Coup doesn't really describe the casting masterstroke of Michael Sheen in the role of a lifetime - Julian Cope. Like the man himself, this is a hugely ambitious, occasionally confused but always blistering piece of work that I can scarcely believe actually exists. My one gripe - apart from the title, there is no reference to anything he did outside of his Brain Donor project. I seriously cannot wait for the 3D re-release next year...

8. Georg Von Hoffenheim - Ethereality

While a lot of loop process music is infinitely dull and is only listened to by aloof hipsters, curious knobheads or the mentally deranged, I found myself really liking this record. The Austrian ex-pat weaves an almost musical montage out of such found sounds as a kettle coming to the boil, builders working on site and a train going over a river. Sadly, Von Hoffenheim hasn't seen a penny of royalties due to a contentious lawsuit brought on by the aforementioned builders.

9. Anonymous - Untitled

While widely pilloried for being some of the most unpleasant people since Francois Duvalier's reign of terror, the math-glitch sound of this American duo is phenomenally ahead of it's time, and probably even ahead of the time they'll have in the future. Like a Fuck Buttons with more than one song, a Silver Apples that isn't old fashioned and irrelevant, and a Suicide that isn't unlistenable (well, half the time), Anonymous make a lot of people utterly furious, but they make me happy - ultimately, this is what matters most. Sadly, like Georg Von Hoffenheim, Anonymous also haven't seen a penny of royalties, but it's down to the fact that they've sold fuck all copies.

10. ??????? - ???????

Traditionally, I've kept the number 10 spot blank - my reasoning being that it's impossible to accurately pin down a perfect list of 10, so the last spot could rotate and change on any given day, depending on the mood of the world. This year however, is slightly different - the number 10 spot is blank because there were only 9 good records released this year. I've tried finding another record that was any good, but trust me - there isn't one. Everything else was either a little bit shit, or a massive skip full of shit with a CD attached.

REISSUE OF THE YEAR: Plutocrat - The Collected Woks of...

A wonderful posthumous anthology from the much-loved stalwart of the Hartlepool street music scene... The entire world was astonished to discover he was actually the missing Clotworthy Nigel Simone Barkus Barkus Skeffington, 9th Earl of Merthyr. He disappeared while serving his national service in the early 1950s in Sri Lanka, and as we now know he returned early in 1963 with dysentery, hepatitis, and a sitar. He travelled the UK plying his uniquely melodic trade with characteristic eccentricity, and was taken in by the good people of Hartlepool, as he looked like a monkey that had been on the gallows for a couple of years, provided the gallows was also in the sea. The rest is a kind of history.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2010:
I think 2010 will bring many changes, including USA's first black president. I also predict that temperatures will rise gradually throughout the first 7 months of next year, before tailing off afterwards - interestingly, I believe that only people in the northern hemisphere will be affected.

HERO OF THE YEAR:
Me, for facing horrifying adversity and surviving like a champ.

VILLAIN OF THE YEAR:
Jeffsy Conraad. What an utter bulb that man is.

My prescience, and how it scares me.

2009-12-15T15:15:00.004Z

While I'm on the verge of unleashing my top 10 list of records released in 2009, I was obliged to revisit last year's list to see how my little proteges are all getting on.

If you remember, the number one entry was The Civil War Alliance, and shortly afterwards I conducted a legendary, and now infamous interview with lead singer Michaels Erikson.

If any of you have ever doubted how ahead of the game I am, I refer you to this recent news item in Pitchfork, on the actually-quite-good indie combo Titus Andronicus.

Ladies and gentlemen - I scare myself in a variety of ways.

Amazon #29: Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Paperback novelisation)

2009-11-06T16:35:00.002Z

5 stars - link

Life moves pretty slowly; let's get off.

‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’, or volume 6 in Todd Strasser’s ‘Futile Development of Angst’ series, raises almost twice as many questions as it manages to answer over the course of it’s 176 dense, crammed and utterly vital pages.

While it’s easy to forget the fact, Todd Strasser hasn’t always been the literary giant he’s currently considered. When this book first appeared on the scene, I recall a fair amount of unfocused derision directed at Strasser, and at the time I remember thinking that this was unfair treatment of a genuinely promising mercurial talent.

It’s criminal that when people hear the name ‘Ferris Bueller’, they immediately think of the hackneyed portrayal committed to celluloid by Matthew Broderick (best known as a monkey’s friend in the execrable Project X), and this does an injustice to the masterly written character contained in the manuscript – much of the prose is written in a detached stream of consciousness style, recalling to mind some of the early literary experiments by James Joyce and Emile Zola.

However, the story is never less than utterly involving, detailing the existential road trip between Ferris and his flawed friend Cameron (thankfully no women here, unlike the characters created for the film, who are ghastly yet alluring) as they plot to murder Cameron’s cruel, unloving father. On the way they meet a vast array of complex symbolist characters, while being tailed by local sheriff-gone-bad Edward Rooney, and notorious serial killer Abe Froeman, the Sausage King of Chicago (who, again, is utterly unrecognisable in the film).

A slight criticism could be made of Strasser’s uneconomical writing style in this period, but only because we’ve all seen what a master of the written word he’s become in recent times. This is well worth revisiting with open eyes, and I declare it nigh on impossible to read it without it changing your life in some way. IMPOSSIBLE, I DECLARE.

Amazon #28: Car Charger Windscreen Holder Mount For Apple iPhone

2009-10-27T16:22:00.003Z

5 stars - link

This has changed the way I both use a phone, drive and touch things. Other people seem to use this for sat nav purposes - personally, I prefer to watch films. If you'd told me 30 years ago that I could watch Timecop while driving to Chipping Sodbury, I would have looked at you in sheer bemusement for a number of reasons.

A word of warning though - it's unsuitable for high speed pursuits. Even tackling speed bumps at a lowly 40mph is liable to leave you with a well designed piece of mangled wreckage strewn about your faux leather interior.

Amazon #27: Doug Box's Guide to Posing for Portrait Photography

2009-09-03T16:47:00.003+01:00

5 stars - link

Doug "thinking outside the" Box has produced a guide to posing in front of the camera, but could it be said to be a truly definitive measure of how you should stand, sit, squat or lean in front of the professional lens? The answer, happily, is yes.

Although the reflections on windows evident in some of his portraits imply a level of sexual deviancy, it's certainly not to an excessive degree, and seems relatively harmless compared to most photographers.

Some of the favoured poses featured in the posing pamphlet include:

"The Lampard"
Stoic, indignant, poised, heroic, enigmatic, solid; yet smug and hateful with terrible hair. This type of pose can often be seen by Argos models selling tennis equipment. If you can get hold of an ill-fitting yet massive tie, it screams "I'M A PROFESSIONAL AND I CAN AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE PERFECT SNAP."

"The Macchio"
Reminiscent of a Karate Kid montage - the posee stand on one leg, with both arms raised at a 45 degree angle from the perpendicular. Ideal for silhouettes.

"The Gargoyle"
The posee stand on a lofty perch, glowering over the city with a look of pure scorn ingrained in the eyes, and with both hands contorted into talons. If the model has wings, they should be half unfurled - like they're about to swoop down and cause traffic chaos.

"The Never-Mind"
The most common pose known to man - Doug Box estimates that 94 percent of all photos featuring people feature this pose. Common features include a slightly hunched back yet with straight arms hanging down either side, a furrowed brow and unkempt hair, a slightly open mouth, and a pair of piercing red eyes that scream 'VAPIDITY' rather than anything resembling genuine evil.

The 6 word review #5: Knifeworld - Pissed up on Brake Fluid 7"

2009-08-03T18:53:00.004+01:00

"Kavus? Hooray! This is fucking brilliant."

More info : http://www.myspace.com/knifeworlduk

And for further information on the Monsoon Bassoon, who I consider the best band ever, and why I'm so excited about Knifeworld:

http://www.myspace.com/themonsoonbassoon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Monsoon_Bassoon

Nate Myles

2009-08-01T19:37:00.001+01:00

Probably the best news story I have ever seen.

Myles in hiding after scandal @ Yahoo!7 Video

Amazon #26: Verbatim 43549 DVD-R, 16x, 4.7GB, 100 Pack

2009-07-01T17:09:00.002+01:00

4 stars - link

Amazon has requested that I write a review of this product, and I am only too happy to oblige - although I don't really have too much to say about them at the moment, as the majority of them are empty!
I will try and let you know what I think of the seven I've already used though, so I hope this will be good enough for all you amazonians out there.

1. This was a test burn DVD, that I made to test the new Verbatim DVD ares that I bought. It contained a text file of the word TESTTESTTEST. It was a succcess!

2. Number 2 was an exact copy of the first DVD mentioned above, that I seemed to have burned by mistake. Although the DVD burned successfully, due to human error I can only call this one a failure.

3. This was a picture slideshow of my wife's bus trip round the Pennines with members of her woman's club. Thankfully I didn't have to sit through the whole thing while it was being presented, eh gents?!?!?!? It burned successfully.

4. Volume 2 of the aforementioned slideshow mentioned above. Again, success!

5. Yet another DVD of the TESTTESTTEST test disc, as I wanted to be absolutely sure it was working. It succeeded!

6. This one is currently somewhere under the rear garden hedge, a few feet from where it joins onto the garage. Mr Weston's cat from a few doors down was hovering around by the bean patch, and I was anxious to scare him away before the little beast had a chance to do whatever it was it was going to do. The DVD stack was the nearest thing to hand, so I picked one off the top and hurled it at the little furry behemoth, catching it a third of the way down it's spine - needles to say, it certainly did the trick! It is still there as I am reticent as the sight of blood, but I still call it a success even if the good people at Verbatim never intended it to be used thus.

7. A kind reader sent me a video file of Ralph Bakshi's animated Lord of the Rings, so I burned it onto a DVD - it burned successfully, but the filmed leaves me just as baffled as the original film trilogy.

I hope this is of use - I will endeavour to add further reports in the comments section in future times.

Amazon #25: Freedom Cold Painted Semi Naked Woman Statuette

2009-06-23T15:15:00.003+01:00

5 stars - link

Contrary to unpopular opinion, 'The Eternal Struggle' is merely my own subtitle to this piece of work of art. I fear that the sculptor (or sculptress) can only be described as a too-modest genius (or geniess) for not exhibiting this far more widely.

Nay, could it not surpass such popular works as Rodin's "The Thinker on the Toilet"? Mike and Angelo's "David"? Television's "Venus De Milo"? Yay, it could.

There are so many unanswered questions for me on studying this masterpiece for hours at a time, as I often do - for how long has she been locked in this transitionary state between clothed and declothed? How many suitors must this sensual creature have, and why have they not rushed to her aid? What in the name of buddha's teeth has happened to her legs?

But perhaps the biggest question is - why this is for sale on amazon and not being exhibited in the Louvre? I doff my cape to you amazon, it is quite a coup. Well played...

Amazon #24: Photo Jigsaw 16x12 (40x30cm) Enoch Powell calling for extensive repatriation of immigrants by Heritage-Images

2009-06-15T14:17:00.003+01:00

2 stars - link

NB - I'm unsure if this will be approved for inclusion or not - I suspect not, so here it is regardless...

This 192 piece jiggysaw is actually very easy to do, befitting the abilities of the kind of intellectual donut who would buy this for himself or a racist uncle who constantly goes on about how he fought in a war, while not revealing that during it he gained the iron cross for services to demoralising radio broadcasts.

This is the first in a series of new politically dubious brain teasers; also in the series are Idi Amin's favourite word searches, a Jean Marie Le Pen Monopoly set ('do not pass go if you're Algerian'), and a Nick Griffin Rubik's cube where all the faces are white.

The 6 word review #4: The Decemberists - The Hazards of Love

2009-04-09T15:31:00.002+01:00

"Why did they stop writing songs?"

The 6 word review #3: Serge Gainsbourg - Histoire de Melody Nelson

2009-04-08T10:36:00.002+01:00

"Paedophilia never sounded so fantastic, french."

The 6 word review #2: Doves - Kingdom of Rust

2009-04-07T11:40:00.008+01:00

"Bland, insipid, woeful; better than expected."

The 6 word review #1 - Live: Polar Bear, Dirty Projectors, Lucky Dragons.

2009-03-26T12:16:00.005Z

Six word fiction seems to be de rigeur right about now. And several months ago. And probably some point in the future too - it's hard to notice when you don't really care.

Anyway, I thought it would be 'amusing' to start writing reviews of new records and gigs and that in this fashion, because.... well, I don't know, but have you tried reading a drowned in sound review recently? 6 words is as much as I can handle when faced with dreck like this.

I digress:

Lucky Dragons:
Oh no, audience participation - hello Jonestown.

Dirty Projectors:
Treble onslaught, fronted by a chicken.

Polar Bear:
Jazz odyssey. Who wrote this? Nobody.

Marmoset tour news!

2009-03-24T16:23:00.003Z

Excellent news! My favourite polite Hungarian techno fiend is doing a UK tour in may! He literally e-mailed me these tour dates the same time as he e-mailed everyone else - stoked to the max! I'm literally excited!!!

He will literally be playing at the following venues:

17 - The Sheffield Exocet
18 - Leeds - United Nil bar
19 - The Newcastle Pointless
20 - Glasgow - Mos Eisley spaceport
22 - Manchester - The Fucker and Firkin
23 - Birmingham - Corduroy's
24 - Cardiff - The Risen Yeast Inn
~~25 - Swansea - Jackademicals~~ (cancelled at mayor's behest)
27 - Weymouth - Barfly
28 - Bristol - Barely
29 - London - Labour club

See you at the Cardiff show!

EXCLUSIVE Marmoset track!

2009-02-09T22:09:00.005Z

Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I am totally stoked to share with you an exclusive track from Marmoset, exclusively created for IndieGestion! The Hungarian Techno-ician was apparently delighted to be featured on my top 10 of 2008 list, and created this track - Sexy Barman Monologue - to be shared.

According to the man himself - "i am a big fan of what english tv shows i can see, and i took these samples for the song from my favorite of them all. the rest wrote itself, like all my songs."

Thank you Marmoset, I wish more people in the top 2 of my top 10 could be more like you.

DOWNLOAD IT HERE!

INTERVIEW: Michaels Erikson, singer of The Civil War Alliance.

2009-01-30T11:49:00.005Z

Regular followers of this blog will know that I was totally blown away by The Civil War Alliance album of last year, 'Lee's Stagecoach' - in a time dominated by indentikit indie bands (much like 1996, 2001 and 2005), their rustic bombast really stood out from the pack - I thought it was streets ahead of anything else, both lyrically and musically, so naturally I was delighted when their notably uncharismatic frontman Michaels Erikson (on the right of the picture) agreed to a telephone interview.

The word 'disappointment' is used a lot these days, without much consideration of it's meaning. Well, I've spent the last 40 minutes reading the entry in the dictionary.

This was a disappointment.

I have attempted to transcribe what occurred as best as I can; it's been slightly edited to remove elements of undue stupidity by me and to paint me in a much better light.

INDIE-GESTION: Hi Michaels, thanks for agreeing to answer a few questions for my website.

MICHAELS ERIKSON: Sure.

I-G: I thought Lee's Stagecoach was a hell of a good record - one of the best of last year actually, so it's a real pleasure to be talking to you.

ME: I know.

I-G: As I understand it, The Civil War Alliance formed back in 2003 when you were all still in high school in Richmond, Virginia.

ME: Norfolk man, Norfolk. Basic fucking research.

I-G: I'm sorry, but it's actually really hard finding any real info about you on the internet.

ME: Jesus man, all you've gotta do is ask, and I'll tell you. What do you want to know?

I-G: Ok, so you formed when you were in high school in Norfolk, Virg-

ME: Yeah man, already said that, next question. [inaudible] christ...

I-G: So what would you say were your influences at the time you started?

ME: Is that question for real?

I-G: Er, yes.

ME: Ok. Joshua Chamberlain. James Longstreet. Robert Lee. John Buford. George Pickett. Thomas Chamberlain. Buster Kilrain-

I-G: Er, I guess I was more interested in finding out your musical influences, apart from Robert Lee I'm not really sure who those people are. I'm assuming you don't mean the ex-Newcastle winger? (NB - this was an attempt to break the ice. I think it worked.)

ME: You've gotta be kidding me. Don't they teach any US history in school these days? Son, you're talking like a disgrace.

I-G: Woah..... firstly, I'm 38; secondly, we probably don't learn as much about the American civil war in the UK than you do in the states.

ME: God dammit, you need some real history to learn. When I was--

I-G: Er, I think we're going off map here-

ME: What?

I-G: -so I'll ask you again, what were your musical influences when you just started out?

ME: .......

I-G: Hello?

ME: Ha, made you speak. Well, I didn't really have any musical influences - I'm only the singer. I tend to leave that stuff up to the guitarists, and the pianoists and the recordingists.

I-G: ........

ME: You want me to say that louder son?

I-G: No, I got it... I'm a bit baffled by your answer to be honest.

ME: How d'you mean?

I-G: Well, when one of your musical idols says to you that they don't have any musical influences, and then uses words like 'pianoists', it's always going to throw you off your train of thought. It's just not what I expected, that's all.

ME: Never expect. Never explain. Apologise sometimes. It's the way of the south.

I-G: Hmmm, ok. Lee's Stagecoach did really well for a debut album-

ME: God dammit! It's not our debut. We did, like, 4 records before we even got signed.

I-G: Well... were they released or anything?

ME: Yeah, we sold them all over Richmond, at our shows, eBay - y'know, the usual outlets.

I-G: So I guess I'm forgiven for not really, er, knowing..... wait a second, Richmond?

ME: What of it?

I-G: You just said Richmond. You just said you were from Norfolk less than 5 minutes ago, and you pretty much yelled at me for getting it wrong.

ME: I don't like your tone - you're taping this right? Well, play it back later and realise you're an idiot. Next question.

I-G: Ok, ok. My next question is about your album. The whole concept was pretty far out - you based it on inanimate objects of the period of the American civil war, in particular relating to General Lee - the single 'Lee's Stagecoach' is a defining example of this, in that it merely lists some objects that may have been used by General Lee at some point. What was the thinking behing this? Were you trying to make a statement about the construct of the pop song in the 21st century? Or were you trying to make a statement about the current state of literary historical indie music, ie bands like the Decemberists or Midlake?

ME: Litter wary? Son, let me tell you something. If you go down to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, you will see each and every item that I listed in that song in that museum, and you will see them in the same order.

I-G: So... you just wrote down things you saw as you went round the exhibits?

ME: Well........ truth be told, I've never been there, but I got my nephew to do it on a school field trip. He's still chasing me for a co-writing credit, the little cracker.

I-G: I... I... shit, I'm stunned! I've been using that song... fuck, I've been using that song as an example of where sophisticated indie music will go next, and you're telling me that you got your nephew to write stuff down that he saw, for you to sing?

ME: Well, I was the one who told him what to do - find a grey uniform and write down what you see.

I-G: How old is he anyway?

ME: He's 10, but he looks about 3. It's pretty freaky actually.

I-G: Is this how you wrote the entire album? Through him?

ME: Not the whole album. There are a few instrumentals on there, and I can't really take credit for those.

I-G: You can't take the credit for any of them! You're a.... hell, you're not even a hack - you're a fraud.

ME: Listen son, I don't give interviews so I can be insul-

I-G: STOP CALLING ME SON, I'm, like, 15 years older than you. I'm stunned! I...... well, at least I know why you're album seems to have such a strong bias towards the confederacy, it's because it's from your 10 year old nephew's point of view!

ME: The whateracy?

I-G: The confederacy!

ME: The confedawhatty?

I-G: THE FUCKING CONFEDERACY! General Lee's army! The army that wore grey and that you wrote an entire fucking album about!

ME: Son - you mean the south. That's what we call ourselves.

I-G: I'm really starting to question if you know anything about US history at all. I mean... what were those names you listed earlier? Y'know, when I asked you what your influences were?

ME: Hold on, give me a second.................... Joshua Chamberlain. James Longstreet. Robert Lee. John Buford. George Pickett. Thomas Chamberlain. Buster Kilrain-

I-G: Why did you pause?

ME: I didn't pause. Those are some of the greatest heroes this country has ever seen, and I know them by heart.

I-G: Are you looking those guys up on the internet?

ME:......No I am not.

I-G: I don't believe you, I'm going to look them up myself... oh my god.

ME: Well, I think you should have everything you need here-

I-G: The first thing that came up was the wikipedia entry for the film Gettysburg - oh my god, is this where your knowledge of the civil war comes from?

ME: Son, I don't know what you're talking about.

I-G: Those names you listed - they're the characters, in the same order that they're billed!

ME: My God, that's a crazy coincidence! I guess that shows how much I know about it after all, for me to get everything right along with those folks.

I-G: Buster Kilrain isn't even a real person! He was fictional!!

ME: I..... he....... what?

I-G: How come you didn't know what the confederacy was? I mean, it must be mentioned in the film?

ME: I'll level with you - I haven't seen the film. But I have read that article about 8 times - it's pretty informative stuff. Have you tried reading the entry on the American Civil War? My god, it's like trying to read a book.

I-G: So your knowledge of the American Civil War comes from the wikipedia entry for the film Gettysburg?

ME: That, and also my own songs. And I saw the first ten minutes of Sahara, but I was pretty drunk at the time. That battle scene! My god, amazing. Amazing. I think it's my second favourite film because of that battle.

I-G: And what's your favourite film?

ME: Soul Man.

I-G: Have you actually seen this one?

ME: Hell yes, it's totally hilarious! Y'know I mentioned the next album earlier? Well, it's actually going to be about this film.

I-G: Please don't do that.

ME: Too late man, my nephew is watching the video as we speak.

Lee's Stagecoach by The Civil War Alliance is out now on Risible Records.

2008-12-22T22:23:00.008Z

Hiya. So, it's nearly Christmas - well done everyone, it wouldn't have happened without you.

So, here's some music - the first mix contains some of my favourite music of 2008, with some representing some notable occasions of the year (like the passing of Humphrey Lyttelton and Davey Graham, and my total obsession with The Wire). Less speak, more music...

DOWNLOAD IT HERE, NOW.

Songinglisting:

1. Too Drunk To Dream - The Magnetic Fields
2. Martha Ann - David Karsten Daniels
3. Run To Your Grave - The Mae Shi
4. Bad Penny Blues - Humphrey Lyttleton
5. Something About Ghosts - Matt Elliott
6. Doomsdayer's Holiday - Grails
7. The Adolescent - Gregor Samsa
8. Burden - Horse Feathers
9. Party Barge - Silver Jews
10. MMV - The New Year
11. Gazing At the Fire - Ignatz
12. The Body of an American - The Pogues
13. Lullaby - Judy Henske & Jerry Yester
14. Invisible Ink - Made Out of Babies
15. This Is Not A Test - She & Him
16. Invisible - Grouper
17. Ballad Of The Sad Young Men - Davey Graham
18. I Had A List And I Lost It - The Drift
19. Notes For Future Lovers - Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
20. Life Caught In The Rain - Envy
21. To a bond - Islands

22. The Fall - Andre Burke/Blake Leyh

And here are some Christmas related songs of varying quality that will hopefully drown out the sound of carolers at the door.

FREE ANTI-CHRISTMAS MUSIC ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

1. Christmas Sucks - Tom Waits and Pete Murphy Impersonators
2. Gift X-change - Calexico
3. Don't Believe in Christmas - The Sonics
4. No Christmas In Kentucky - Phil Ochs
5. Christmas Downer - Departure Lounge
6. Merry Christmas Everybody - Daniel Johnston
7. It's Christmas Time - Louvin Brothers
8. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Death Cab For Cutie
9. Christmas Song - Medicine
10. Christmas 1914 - Shuttah
11. Chris Morris Ruins A Little Girl's Xmas

The Vandelay Industries Genuine Quality Deciding Tastemaker list of 2008.

2008-12-19T14:19:00.010Z

Ok, call me a hypocrite if you like – I swore to myself that I wouldn't do a 'best of 2008' list, which is the time where music journos / hobbyists / idiots feel that their opinions somehow matter and deserve to be foisted on an overly busy and stressed public, regarding whichever discordant wilful obscurism has made them out to be cooler than the rest of the cunts that make up their woefully hateful tribal entourage. I hate these people, and the thought of unspecified harm to their person makes me giggle slightly.

With that in mind, let's get listing! I couldn't decide on an order for these, as quality and genre are irregular bedfellows – it's practically metaphorical buggery – so they're presented in a random order, with some 'treats' thrown in at the end for good measure.

1. The Civil War Alliance – Lee's Stagecoach
More wonderful literary experimental indie from the Minnesotan sextet - the concept of the record is on the subject of inanimate objects involved with the American civil war. The lead single from the album, also titled 'Lee's Stagecoach', would doubtless have charted higher had it ventured beyond the lyrical boundaries of merely listing items that General Lee might have used. If they ever break out into new conceptual directions, they'd be vaguely dangerous – Colin Meloy had better look behind his shoulder. I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009.

2. Marmoset - Klassische-X
Jazz tinged minimal techno from Budapest - the sound alternates between the sunrise in a rain forest and a robot pissing into a bin. The contrast between the two vastly differing styles makes this the best record I've heard for quite some time - I can't wait to see what he offers in 2009.

3. Fire Flagon - When This Is Over I'll Be Molesting Yr Skull and Laughing, Laughing, Laughing...
No one does fiery, searing, piercing 30 minute prog-skrunk-psychedelic-jazzy-dub cosmic voyages quite like this bunch of 17 year olds from Torquay. Vaguely reminiscent of Faust drowning in Magma while the Cosmic Jokers look on and laugh, the diamond encrusted quadruple gatefold warns you that what you're about to hear definitely is not normal. One of Julian Cope's favourite records of the decade - I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009.

4. Professor Postlethwaite's World of Emporium - The Purple Shoppe of Psychedelic Schemes
Admittedly nauseating for 9/10ths of it's emetic duration, the modern psych revivalists make it worth the price of admission with 'You'll Regret This, Come Join Us", their remarkable 9 minute declaration of war on anything post 1968. They also deserve a special mention for their political wing taking 5 council seats at the last elections in Shoreditch. I can't wait to see what antics they'll offer in 2009!

5. Sloblock – Winsome Losesome
Album number 11 in 3 years from the drone-folk project led by Chad Bingley, guitarist in folk-drone band Clothiers. A veritable smorgasbord of shifting textures, sounds, rhythms, malleted strings and howls, it’s otherworldly sound was a massive leap on from their previous album “Calliope’s Revenge”, that was released 2 months prior to this one, and was far more accessible than the terrifying triple CD album “Trepanning My Way to your Heart” that came out 3 months after. I can’t wait to sift through what they offer in 2009.

6. The Listerine Dragons - Anthologically Correct
Though technically a compilation of the defunct act's finer moments from their all-too-brief time together in the early eighties, this is the one thing I've listened to most over the previous 12 months – Last FM proves it. Famously averse to releasing music of any kind, this takes a selection of badly recorded bootlegs and puts them in one place for the world enjoy, with liner notes from Everett True. I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009. Hopefully themselves as a sacrifice.

7. Terence – Our name are Terence
Perfect power punk pop from the youngsters from New Zealand. Controversially received in their home country due to questionable lyrics concerning the Maori population, for the rest of the world (where local politics correctly take second place to a good beat) it was a case of the hype not going far enough – and while the decision to release the album solely on MySpace attracted ire from musical purists and people with souls, it was a marketing masterstroke that catapulted them into the mainstream. I can’t wait to hear what they offer in 2009.

8. Kevin Davies - The Hole Beneath My Heart
Heartfelt slowcore Americana from the hard-nosed Bolton striker? Uh, ok! 12 gorgeous slices of angst-filled vignettes, it reminded me of early Townes Van Zandt. One of the surprises of the julian calendar year (especially Ricardo Vaz Te's virtuoso turn on castanets), it's just a shame he couldn't tour it due to Bolton's ongoing battle against football. I can't wait to see what he offers in 2009, when hopefully he'll have some more time on his hands.

9. Miws - Aberlution
A Welsh language Muse tribute band - absolutely has to be heard to be believed, and even now I'm still doubting it. Made up of former members of Anrhefn, Zabrinski and Frisbee, their sporadic gigs round west and north Wales have been received rapturously, and fills me with a kind of nationalistic candor that the world hasn't seen since Radko Mladic put his boots on. Ones to watch from both sides of the law enforcement barrier - sai'n gallu aros i weld beth mae nhw'n cynnal yn 2009.

10. Er….. well…… hmm. I can’t decide – there have been so many other releases worthy of a mention that I can’t pick another one. Whether it’s the dub-jungle vinyl slabs from the mysterious “White Label” collective, the angelic vocal stylings of Marian Sumner (nepotism be damned, it was a fine record and I don’t care who her father is), and not forgetting the childlike tweecore of “Giraffe”. I can’t wait to see what they, and many others, offer us in 2009.

SPECIAL MENTIONS!

RE-ISSUE OF THE YEAR!
Sly Wilcox – Heaven is a Drug (and so is Hell, and probably Purgatory too Wo-Man)
Finally, this lost psych-folk masterpiece from 1965 is widely available again. The lyrics of the classic ‘Drug Mule Woman’ are still among the finest I’ve heard – “I got a drug mule woman / Filled her up good / My drug mule woman / Likes different kinds of food, sing it baby” – when it’s repeated for the duration of side A, it becomes like a religious mantra, and I’m happy to be converted. I would say that I can’t wait to see what he offers in 2009, but he’s dead.

MOST SADLY MISSED: George W. Bush. If it wasn’t for his fast reflexes (and I say that in the most grudging way possible), he’d have had a shoe in the face, and the world would’ve rejoiced (apart from people who don’t matter). So, so, so, so, so near.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2009: Things will be pretty much as they are now, only slightly worse.

(Coming soon - some genuine music I like from 2008 (but I promise you I won't write about it, just make a compilation) and some christmas music that will make you as miserable as I am.)

RIP: Davey Graham

2008-12-16T15:34:00.002Z

I just found that Davey Graham passed away yesterday. Bugger. I was going to put a little video up of him, but the guardian have done a pretty nifty job of compiling some great youtube stuff, so go there and watch it.

Amazon #23: Sleeveface: Be the Vinyl

2008-12-12T14:59:00.004Z

5 stars - link.

Sleeveface has been one of the musical crazes of 2008 for some reason. Invented by DJ Carol Morris, who is widely known around south Wales for how much he likes a bit of fun in bars, and Jon Rostrum, who together extracted numerous laughs from their friends in only the way that holding something in front of your face can achieve. If the legend is correct, then the first record that sparked the craze off was by Paul McCartney - and it's certainly fair to say that Morris plays an admirable McCartney to Rostrum's Ringo.

The idea behind sleeveface is so simple that you'd have to be an idiot to not understand it without an explanation. So if you're thinking of buying it, what you have to do is take a record sleeve with someone's face on it (a Tom Waits, Cerys Matthews or Nick Cave record should do nicely), then hold the sleeve in front of your face and hold still - after several minutes when any onlookers would've recovered from their fits of laughter, try and get them to photograph the moment for posterity.

Sleeveface has gone stratospheric in recent months - they now have a website, a facebook group and a video on YouTube -none of these things are easy to achieve at the best of times, but certainly not in the current climate. Morris and Rostrum should be applauded for all their hard work and dedication to bring this phenomenon to the public - they currently have a MySpace page in production, which will hopefully be unveiled in April 2009. Personally, I can't wait to see what they'll bring out in time for Christmas next year, but I can honestly say that I have no idea how they can improve what they've already done. I certainly hope the rumours of the Steveface spin-off are true!

Five stars.

NB - Amazon sez: "Customers buy this book with Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance by Barack Obama. Price For Both: £10.33." Okaaaaay.......

"You say laughter, and I say luftwaffe"

2008-11-10T23:36:00.002Z

More songs for you, whoever you are. While I may get slightly anal in the future and try and work in some kind of theme, at the moment all I can say to justify including these songs in one package is "I LIKE THEM". And I hope you will too, otherwise I would not be doing this...

DOWNLOAD AN UNREPRESENTATIVE SEGMENT OF MY MUSICAL TASTE HERE.

The Vandelay Industries Free Mix of Joy vol 3 tracklisting:

1. Shape Of Things To Come - Max Frost & The Troopers
2. Lord Franklin - Pentangle
3. Vigo Bay - Minotaur Shock
4. Velocity Girl - Primal Scream
5. Marianne - The Jacks
6. Cause for Concern - The Nels Cline Singers
7. My Kind Of Soldier - Guided By Voices
8. A Far-Off Reason - Envy
9. Struck A Chord - Magoo
10. Mr. Pharmacist - The Other Half
11. The Universe! - Do Make Say Think
12. Is There A City Outside Your Window? - Chuzzlewit
13. Love Will Make A Better You - Love Live Life + One
14. Safesurfer - Julian Cope
15. It's Just That Song - Charlie Feathers

Amazon #22: Jumanji (novelisation)

2008-11-05T16:22:00.002Z

4 stars - link

Jumanji has seen many changes in it's existence - firstly it was a disappointingly childish story by Chris Van Allsburg, then developed into an improved but still sketchy motion picture; and then this astounding novelisation was unleashed onto an unsuspecting public - Jumanji aficionados (of which there are some) rightly regard this as the definitive rendering of the story.

Although this book was published in 1995, it's impossible to read Strasser's magnum opus without thinking it's anything other than a prophetic allegory of the 2008 US election race. In these uncertain times, where a promising young idealist is handed the reigns of the world's largest superpower, tales of jungle board games gone crazy seem strangely apt - with an unsuspecting world looking to a mysterious unknown (Barrack Obama / Robin Williams) to defeat an evil minded madman (John McCain / Van Pelt (not to be confused with Chris Leo's slowcore indie rock band)), looking to steer a vulnerable society past hidden and unforeseeable dangers (the doomed economy / a bunch of crazy animals) - not to mention the looming spectre of terrorism.

Like most of Todd Strasser's work (with the exception of his remarkable novelisation of Karate Kid 3), this novelisation doesn't stray too far away from the source material - but when you have Strasser's way with words, grasp of grammar and abundance of alliteration, a lack of any variations of the theme doesn't detract from his effectiveness as a writer. His skills with juxtaposition, metaphor and pace are a joy to behold, and some of the descriptive passages are unparalleled in modern literature in my view - at some points, I actually felt that Robin Williams was in the room with me.

For this reason, it gets 4 stars instead of 5.

Animal Facts #3: The Horsey

2008-10-28T19:26:00.006Z

Horses! Did you know that:

1. The horse is the only animal in the world that's been domesticated by 3 other animals? They are of course Man, Lions, and Other Horses.

2. A horse was the subject of the world's first comedy cartoon strip! (pictured right). In this 18th century Nepalese tome, you could follow the adventures of Sandy as he moves slightly and changes colour, before disappearing into the abstract.

3. A disappointed horse-lover from Montana recently attempted to sue the Seattle indie-rock combo 'Band of Horses' under the trades descriptions act. Kenny Fife, 42, was disappointed to find that they definitely do not consist of equine musicians - they are of course otters with a knack for a tremendous beat.

4. Horses are a war-like and aggressive race - in times gone they were feared mercenaries, selling their cavalry services to the highest bidder, and relishing the chance of engaging with other horses. However, due to the current credit crunch (and to a lesser extent, the development in weapons technology over the last 60 or so years) they find their places on the battlefield taken by machines. To satisfy their aggressive urges, they now volunteer themselves for free to the police force in exchange for free entry to football grounds, and the occasional opportunity to bite a felon in the ear.

5. A stunted disabled horse works in a hospital! Check out this news report from the unbelievably incompetent Shannon Perrine ("the kids getting treatment... can forget about tests, and blood work, and BEING SICK..."), on Thumbelina, a class of '02 Harvard medical graduate:

Amazon #21: The God Delusion (aka Dickie Dawkins Does Deities)

2008-10-22T14:42:00.002+01:00

3 stars - link.

Many reviews have been written here, but none of them really encapsulate this book in a reasonable way.

Seeing that my father is an atheist and my mother is a catholic, I believe I am more qualified than most to make a judgement on the arguments contained in this overly long and dense book - I was brought up amidst a hotbed of theological debate for most of my life, and I am sympathetic towards every argument given for and against Richard Hawkins's case (or Dickie Dawkins as he's known by my four year old!).

Until their acrimonious divorce when I was aged 6, my parents got along fine - then the constant bickering over their belief systems took over. I was too young to remember any specific arguments of worth, but I remember such words as 'godless, incredulous, heretic, foolish', and 'do you want the child to be banished to hell' seemed to be exchanged. Somehow, I still have a healthy relationship with both parents, but the point I am trying to make is that all these discussions are fruitless - no one can prove there is a god, just as you can't prove there isn't one (although in honesty, the former argument has picked up quite a lot of eyewitness testimony over the years!!!). While I refuse to take sides on this issue, because I'm an open and honest man that doesn't belittle any viewpoint, Richard Dawkins does tend to come across as a godless troublemaker - I think, if the good samaritan had a choice between saving Jesus and Richard Dawkins, he would've gone for the gentler and more tolerant Jesus every time!

This book has it's place, but it really can't take the place of 'Religion for Dummies'.

In summary then, I am hedging my bets - I am proud to be raising my children as devout catholics, and am hoping that they will not be too damaged by the experience when they reach the age where they make up their own minds.

Forgotten bands 1: The Listerine Dragons

2008-10-20T22:16:00.002+01:00

The Listerine Dragons were the founders of the short lived 'Spatchcore' movement, which mainly occurred during 1984 in Carlisle. Their sound has variously been described as 'terrifying', 'totally mesmerising, like a fairground on fire' and 'akin to being shot in the elbow by a crying pig'.

The legendary but shamefully overlooked three piece consisted of Ed 'Skunk' Templeton (gtr), Simon Cunges (bass, vox) and the deeply religious Jebediah Grundy (flaming drums). They met at Austin Friars St Monicas Roman Catholic Private School in 1981, and immediately bonded over a shared love of not wanting to spend any time in the school buildings whatsoever.

Their initial musical exploits were confined to setting fire to small woodland creatures according to a pre-arranged pattern, much along the lines of the music of John Cage or Steve Reich, but with an added dose of emotion. They quickly gained a cult following among the youth of Carlisle, and took to performing many impromptu performances in local parks and woodland clearings. It was during one of these performances in the summer of 1982 that Templeton discovered a guitar discarded in a hedgerow, and was delighted to discover he could emulate the dying screams of burning mammals with uncanny accuracy. Cunges and Grundy immediately latched onto the idea of forming a 'glower trio', and scoured the nearby countryside in a search for their respective instruments - 12 months later, after some excruciating searching, the line-up was complete.

The Listerine Dragons early concerts were ramshackle and controversial affairs - they were never happy with the idea of losing animal torture from their repertoire, so their minimal 1 chord punk stylings were peppered with bizarre mammalian percussion from Grundy, who was often so hard to control that their concerts were known for lasting for anything up to 5 hours. It was this intensity and unpredictability that gave them a vital edge, but also proved to be their downfall - no one knew more than they did that their music would never translate into recorded format.

Their sole excursion on vinyl came with a version of live favourite "Bumbria", where they list everything they dislike about their home county with startling menace. 5,000 7" singles were pressed, only to be commandeered by Cunges and, rather predictably seeing as this was what they known for, burned in a field. Happily, Cunges recorded the entire bonfire, and the result was the triple gatefold vinyl "Bugger Bumbria (redux)", which was pressed in a limited edition of 27 copies. This garnered a small degree of national press coverage at the time, which was sharply curbed when Cunges told reporters that he'd "planned it all along you cunt". Copies of the album change hands for nearly 2 figures among collectors.

Due to their animosity towards any kind of physical playback mechanism, they are cruelly overlooked when it comes to compiling a list of seminal 80s bands. However, they are probably remembered best for the moving, if slightly controversial anti-war song "Lockheed-Martin Spazzed My Dripper" - a terrifying 2 hour odyssey of wailing, feedback and fluids, relating the story of a US pilot who can only achieve an erection and climax while bombing third world orphans of a different ethnicity to his own. After failing to find a willing partner to release this, or indeed anything further by them, they took to performing their magnum opus in person in various public locations around Carlisle, before splitting up later in the year due to musical differences and personality similarities. No one has come close to replicating their sound since.

Amazon #20: Short Circuit: Practical New Approach to Building More Self-Reliant Communities

2008-10-08T16:38:00.006+01:00

3 stars - link

I bought this book thinking that it was the long awaited third episode in the Short Circuit series - so far, we've been confined to experiencing Johnny Five's adventures in only 2 films, and I was desperate to find out what happened next to the newly gold plated civilised war robot.

Well, what a disappointment - Richard Douthwaite should never have been allowed to take on the franchise, as he has a fundamental misunderstanding of what made the series so popular in the first place, with vast passages being beyond incomprehensible to the under-9s - and Johnny Five barely appears at all! There no appearances from the characters played by Steve Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy, or Fisher Stevens' rather dodgily portrayed Pakistani character. I think Michael McKean's character appears in the chapter about windfarms, though I may be mistaken as I was also watching Deal or No Deal at the time.

I hold extreme optimism for most forms of entertainment, but I truly think this book is unfilmable - at the very least, it needs extensive rewrites if it is to be an acceptable third entry in the series. What were they thinking?!?

However, I award the book three stars as the segment on Scandinavian communes was informative, and slightly arousing.

Choooons....

2008-10-06T15:57:00.003+01:00

Mix of free music number 2, discussion points:

1) The first mix was way too long, and had too many weird novelty songs, so it ended up being a bit jarring. My new rule is to keep it to about an hour.

2) On listening back to it, I've noticed that a lot of the songs end abruptly, as they're designed to fade into the next song on the original record. I have no answer for you, apart from get the real albums and listen to more stuff by the artistes.

3) Enjoy.

Get 'it' here.

Tracklisting:
1. In The Beginning - Grails
2. Save My Soul - Wimple Winch
3. Glitch - Anoice
4. Any More - Homegas
5. Man With The Woman Head - Billy Mahonie
6. The French Inhaler - Warren Zevon
7. Back To The Lake - Guided By Voices
8. Sunrise (Sunset Mix) - Caroline
9. You're Holding Me Down - Buzz
10. Disengaged - Grouper
11. Disease - The New Year
12. Sometimes - Japancakes
13. Two Wrongs Won't Make Things Right - Tarnation
14. The Young Alchemists - The Van Pelt
15. Tomorrow - We All Together
16. Missing My Son - Tom Waits

Steveface party!

2008-10-06T13:08:00.006+01:00

Steveface is sweeping the nation. In the words of it's creators, "you take a Steve, you take a face, you create STEVEFACE". Come on down for an evening of pure Steveface pleasure, and experience the purest kind of fantastic joy that you can only truly achieve by holding something in front of your face.

Check out these suspicious looking Stevefaces!

Special guest DJ will be the famous Steve, Steve Harley from Cock Knee Rebel. Also, have your picture taken with / behind.... STEVE CLARIDGE! Yes, the speeding journeyman footballer cum pundit (insert your own punctuation) will be on hand to celebrate being called Steve.

Happening THIS FRIDAY, at Clwb Stevor Bach, Cardiff. And rememer the golden rule: "if your name's not Steve, you're not coming in".

COMING SOON.... Steveface: the movie!

Follow TV's Steve-O and his pal Steve Davies on a global odyssey as he travels the world in search of fellow Steves to photograph, and generally irritate the fuck out of. Special appearances by Steve Coogan, Steve Archibald, Steve Cram, and Rachel Stephens as the envious harlot who isn't allowed into their select group of Stevedores.

Amazon #19: Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid.

2008-09-18T14:42:00.011+01:00

4 stars - link.

El-Bow Down!

This is a perfectly acceptable stab at a music record from the hairy and slightly overweight British people. Notes, words, drum, notes - this record has it all, or as near to it as makes no odds. It comes as no surprise that Gustav Xavier Mercury picked it as his favourite album of the last 12 months, though is it really as good as the Klaxons?

I've found this record is best enjoyed while drinking a cheeky little rioja, while holidaying in Wiltshire and discussing the whereabouts of Radko Mladic among several local parish councillors - that's when it affected me most anyway; other people may prefer Gloucestershire.

The Geraldine Fibbers, brought to you by Spillers Records.

2008-09-18T14:42:00.009+01:00

While I can't do 'proper' updates at the moment, I'd like to take this opportunity to celebrate the fact that I finally own a copy of Butch by the Geraldine Fibbers on vinyl - what a record. It's only taken something like 11 years for me to do, and it's thanks to the good people at Spillers Records.

Here's a song by them - it is called California Tuffy.

Webless.

2008-09-05T17:21:00.002+01:00

I am currently without internet access in my flat - this is of course a travesty. Hopefully I'll have a chance to write something vaguely funny in the next few weeks, and with more music to come at you when I get comfortable settled in my new home.

Please don't think I don't care about my (admittedly small) audience - I don't, but I'd prefer that you didn't think that.

Yours,
X

I SURVIVED GREEN MAN and all I got was this lousy nothing.

2008-08-20T23:56:00.005+01:00

Ah, festivals... I feel slightly less buggered in the face by the whole Green Man experience than I did yesterday, but I'm still not quite there. I've been trying to show my wristband everywhere I go today, and I'm not even wearing it any more.

Anyway, it's been nearly a month since I last wrote anything, and I feel bad because in the meantime I've found out that people actually read this (hiya Ben! Or is it Bien? I forget...), so here's a compilation of tunes for people to download and enjoy. It includes some of my favourite tunes, a few random curios, and some things that fall in between. None of it is boring though; if you think it is then you have no soul.

Let me know if you like this, and I'll make it a regular feature... otherwise, no feedback = no future for the feature.

(Usual music blog rules apply - if anyone objects to any of these songs being given away for free, then let me know and they'll be removed. I don't want to annoy people who give me great tunes, I just want to share the riches... and you if you like the tunes, for god's sake buy them. Especially the Monsoon Bassoon, on Weird Neighbourhood records.)

DOWNLOAD THE MOTHER HERE.

Tracklisting:
1. 2001 Sprach Kazoostra - Temple City Kazoo Orchestra
2. TMP Smackdown - The Meat Purveyors
3. Kayla - Kilowatthours
4. Cannibal (I Cannabili) - Ennio Morricone
5. A Remark - Manyfingers
6. Hilly Fields - Nick Nicely
7. It's Cold Outside - The Choir
8. Lonesome In The Pines - Darby & Tarlton
9. Wild - The Butterflies Of Love
10. Satan is Real - The Louvin Brothers
11. The Weather - Built To Spill
12. Alice - Jon Plum
13. Psychosomatica - Bedhead
14. Country Music On The Moon - Jack Broadwell
15. Arundel - Mogwai
16. It Begins With A Blessing, Once I Awakened, But It Ends With A Curse - Kevin Ayers
17. The Big Ship - Brian Eno
18. Crazy Horses (33 RPM version) - The Osmonds
19. Wise Guy - The Monsoon Bassoon
20. Love Me - Dudley Moore
21. Bedazzled - Peter Cook
22. O Kentucky - Papa M
23. St. Nicholas Hall - Judy Henske & Jerry Yester
24. Hillbilly Wedding In June - The DeZurik (Cackle) Sisters
25. Gone - Matt Elliott
26. I Love You....Nor Do I - Anita Lane ft. Nick Cave
27. Country Roads - Ukuleles of Halifax

Picture of the day

2008-07-20T17:30:00.004+01:00

So, the football season has begun in earnest - Aston Villa drew against Odense in the intertoto cup. Not the most exciting of occasions, but it highlights that there is under a month until the start of the new season proper... anyway, I was delight to note that Steve Sidwell's first act of note for Villa was to score an own goal, resulting in this fabulous piece of photo journalism:

Sidwell (middle) seems to have developed a look of angry incredulity (previously thought impossible by face scientists), while Petrov (right) is trying his hardest to see if he can actually kill a man by looking at him. Meanwhile, Martin Laursen (left) clearly longs for the days of Gordon Cowans - the impression he does is uncanny.

Tee hee hee...

2008-07-15T15:27:00.004+01:00

While watching a documentary on the Spanish Civil War (fuck me, it's crazy around my flat at this time of year, you never know what's going to happen next), this chap popped onto the screen. The name was funny enough in a juvenile kind of way, but the caption below makes it work on all levels ever created. But it's the juvenile aspect I like best...

The picture definition of 'bullied at school'.

Amazon #18: Brabantia 135x45 Raindrops Ironing Board

2008-07-14T17:17:00.004+01:00

3 stars.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with R. Patel "Bush4ever" from Texas (otherwise known as the "backwards state") - while the price is certainly competitive, I'm unsure that this really is an ironing board.

The measurements of 135x45 certainly seem accurate on the surface, but if you look at the picture, you'll see how far the legs stick out either side - such sturdiness goes far above what you'd expect from an average ironing board, and I suspect this has more sinister uses that the manufacturers know all about - after having done some research I'm certain it involves Portugal's nuclear capabilities, David Shayler and several capybaras. Watch this space world!

ps - it actually works quite well as an ironing board too. Alas! I have no iron, so I've only used it in an imaginary capacity so far - but it didn't disappoint.

The Osmonds - gnarlier than Kyuss.

2008-07-11T21:07:00.003+01:00

I don't need to say much about this - if you've ever visited my flat, then I've inflicted this on you. I was tipped off to it's majesty by my good friend and walking library, Chris Fowler - and I swear, this is the speed that this song was meant to be played at. I can't listen to the regular version anymore (not that I'd do so through choice anyway) - it sounds too fast and cartoonish now that this has entered my consciousness.

Enough wittering - ladies and gentlemen, this proves that the Osmonds are heavier than Kyuss, even if it's unintentional.

The Osmonds - Crazy Horses (33 RPM version - MP3)

Animal Facts #2: The Frog

2008-07-03T12:59:00.003+01:00

It's time to get animal facted. Prepare thyselves...

Although usually perceived to be some kind of "landfish" (Charles Darwin once described them as "the hovercraft of the animal kingdom", which showed a remarkable degree of foresight, even for him), frogs are actually what is known as an 'amffibeon'.
The incredibly over-used analogy of the boiling frog goes thus: "A frog can be boiled alive if the water is heated slowly enough — it is said that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will never jump out." This is of course, utter fucking nonsense and whoever uses it should be ashamed of themselves. If you put a frog in boiling water, IT WILL DIE. If you put a frog in cold water that you then heat to boiling point, IT WILL JUMP OUT AT SOME POINT BECAUSE IT ISN'T AS DUMB AS THE VAPID TWAT THAT'S DOING 'EXPERIMENTS' WITH THE FROG IN THE FIRST COCKING PLACE.
Even though frog rhymes with dog, these two species are actually vastly different. For example, a frog cannot be trained to lead the blind, and dogs have an intense dislike of being contained in small glass tanks.
'Frogman!' was a shortlived Marvel comic that lasted for 5 issues in the early 1960s. Although initially promising, fans of comics were repelled by Frogman's unusual super power of being able to emit his young from his mouth, and in the final issue that decided the comics fate, through holes in his skin - a record number of complaints were received, and still arrive in the Marvel offices to this day.
Frogs are evolving at a terrifying exponential rate, and it is predicted by a scientist I met in a pub that they will be able to dominate humanity by the year 2026. However, according to his philosopher friend who was also in the same pub, they are gentle souls by nature so it is unclear whether they will actually do this.

In this photograph, we can see that frogs have already evolved to the point that they resemble Peter Crouch going on a date.

Amazon #2a: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy - STUPIDITY UPDATE

2008-06-28T14:16:00.010+01:00

I've just about learned to live with all the stupidity in the world - when I was younger, stupidity was my enemy, along with the people who I considered stupid, and it made me genuinely angry. But with a bit of age, maturity, and the occasional ill-tempered beating, I've finally understood that stupidity is inescapable - we're all capable of it at various times, and as long we can understand and appreciate that then I believe it to be more of a virtue than a curse. But even trying to identify stupidity in other people is a dangerous road to go down - an unavoidable byproduct of that is that you identify yourself as superior somehow, and elitism of that kind is still capable of making me REALLY angry. (that said, identifying and mocking stupidity is tremendous fun, and should be encouraged at all times - ladies and gentlemen, boneddigion a boneddigednigadi, I am walking hypocrisy.)

I digress - the number of comments my amazon review of Lord of the Rings has attracted is enough to make me despair of humanity all over again - these people are total fucking idiots, and I pity them so much that I even mock their grammar (which is dangerous for someone who uses commas as liberally as I do without, much of an understanding of where they should, actually go). I wouldn't mind so much, but I don't even think it was that subtle an attempt at humour... Anyway, here they are:

"Mr. S. N. Macpherson says:
do you comment on every film where something from fantasy was in it?

did u comment on the terminator movies and say that it is rubbish becuase you have never seen a robot fire a gun?

this movie was fantasy so dont say its bad because you have never seen an orc"

Have you seen Terminator 3? Utter cunge. I can say it's rubbish while giving any reason I choose.

"A. Seneviratne says:
You realy need to live a little.
you've probablry just put forward the worst argument in film history.
you don't dserve to write reviews."

Maybe not; but you sir, do not deserve hands.

"Mandy says:
I understand that everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but i honestly can't understand why you would watch a film well known to be a "fantasy" movie and then proclaim its plot to be ridiculous. Secondly, the characters that are featured in the book/film aren't an affront to your intelligence, they're just what the film's about, which would be why they are "endlessly paraded" in front of you. Why, if you know you think fantasy plots to be "ridiculous", would you watch all ten hours of the films and then complain about doing so? Philistine."

Mandy/Mandrew is notable for being the only person to have responded to my further 'comic' outbursts on amazon - I replied with: "Mandrew - I'd love to "reply" to your thoughtfully considered "comments", but I'm afraid that life is too "short". Canaanite". This resulted in:

Mandrew says: If life is too short, why waste ten hours of it watching something you don't like? "Jackass".

I was distraught with salty tears. What else could I say? Nothing but the truth: "That was mean and you made me cry."

So, I thought that was that. Between my attempts to lampoon the individuals involved, my friend Katy joining in the fun and with a few other people saying that they thought the review was funny, I really didn't think that anyone else could fall into the trap that I never intended to lay in the first place. My friends - I did a very dangerous and inadvisable thing. I overestimated the internet. Today, I found this:

"Buyer from UK says:
I don't know why people are bothering to argue with this narrow minded person. It's obvious he can't see past his own nose! If he wants to "waste his precious little life" and walk around with his eyes closed, let him! He obviously just doesn't get it and never will! Put it this way, there's always one isnt there?"

My response: "I wish. As the comments have proved - in this case, there are 4 and counting." Buyer from UK, the rapier-witted son of a gun countered with:

"Buyer from UK says:
It's not a case of comments. It's the content and "stupidity" of your comment, which is why "you" have 14 replies to it!"

My response: "MY COMMENT WAS NOT STUPID. I still fail to see why 10 hours of seriously far-too-extreme-fiction is hailed as a masterpiece, when it's something that my 3 year old could have drawn. I'd far prefer a 3 film treatment of the agonising dullness of the human condition, mainly conducted by arguing on the internet - you know, something with some relevance to our lives."

I would be incredibly surprised if another comment that took me seriously landed on that review - I think it has been put to bed now. But hey, I've been wrong before...

NB: My genuine opinion on Lord of the Rings - it's worth watching once, though I don't think it really stands up to repeat viewings... I don't care for it that much at all though. Even though the second film is the best, I think the whole trilogy seems to get worse as it goes along - the final hour is seriously excruciating. I was almost tempted to shit myself to try and relieve the tedium. I now regret that I didn't.

My case for why Wild by the Butterflies of Love is the best guitar pop song ever written.

2008-06-24T15:29:00.003+01:00

I will keep this brief, I will simply list all the elements of why this is so so so great, and ticks every single box for what makes a great indie-pop* song. Just listen to it and agree with me.

The Butterflies of Love - Wild (MP3)

Reverb and tremolo soaked guitar that sounds like it was recorded in a warehouse? Check.
Dreamy ooh-aah backing vocals? Check.
The imperfect yet so-so-so right lead vocal that sounds like a Neil Young imitation? Check.
Lyrics vaguely dealing with love, but really you have no idea what he means? Check.
A maximum cap of 4 chords in the whole song? Check.
A swirling organ sound that sounds like it was recorded in an even bigger warehouse? Check.
A slight breakdown in the middle, where nothing seems too different but when it kicks back in you KNOW that this song will be with you forever? Check.
A bizarre, somehow inappropriate but yet totally fitting synth noise coming from nowhere and then immediately vanishing a few seconds after it begun? Check.
The closing guitar and drum noise at the very end, that spells out "hey, we're in a band, we're in a room, so let's prove it"? Check.

I could listen to this song all day - I believe it to be perfect. It's catchy without being irritating, memorable without being cliched, it's just so..... right.

*I'm sorry for using that genre name. I'm no music journalist, and I don't work in Zavvi, so I have no need for genre names usually. Just bear with me on this...

Animal Facts#1: The Octopus

2008-06-19T14:16:00.006+01:00

Fun Octopus facts! Some are more true than others! Did you know that...

The Octopus is the only animal in the world with 8 knees?
An Octopus invented the fountain pen! George Safford Parker was an octopus fanatic, and regularly discarded his failed fountain pen prototypes into their tanks. One day, he saw his favourite pet, Caesar the Cephalopod, filling the barrel with it's own ink, and George realised that this worked much better than his own ink concoction, which mainly consisted of water, gravel and sunlight.
Live Octopus is considered a delicacy in South Korea? Bunch o' twats.
The newly discovered 6-tentacled 'Hexapus' isn't a freaky Octopus at all! It's merely the latest hatchling from the Kraken's 5000 year breeding circle, and it indicates carnage, terror, pestilence for all ocean-dwelling men everywhere.
Octopus wrestling was the most popular sport in the USA for a period of time in the 1960s, until it was declared unconstitutional and revealed as a communist ploy to steal US salt water by Republican senator Mark Hatfield?

Here we can see a young Dennis Wise, John Terry and Frank Lampard taking part in some recreational animal torture.

And now, for some non amazon content

2008-06-18T19:44:00.001+01:00

And also because France have gone crashing out of Euro 2008, and I drew them in a sweepstake. They deserve to be mocked.

Amazon#17: The Karate Kid Part III (novelisation)

2008-06-18T18:33:00.001+01:00

"Make his knuckles bleed"

Link - 5 stars.

John G. Avildsen's existentialist melodrama is given a surprisingly coherent treatment in this novelisation by B.B. Hiller - like all good novelisations, it's enough to make you doubt if the film really came first, or whether the film was an adapted screenplay of this dense, symbolist tome.

The third episode is far bleaker than the previous installments, and communicates this with ease. Here, there are no silky 'soccer' skills from Daniel-san - and no hilarious ice-smashing contest taking place in America's idea of what Okinawa should be like - they return to find their apartment complex being torn down, symbolising their return to a USA that is deformed, stark, and with an almost prophetic sense of the looming spectre of terrorism that will soon be visited upon it's shores and mountains.

The main difference in the book is the wealth of material on the character of Noel Gardner, surprisingly cut from the film itself - he is more deity than man, and his narrative takes up the first third of the book. It's him that's concerned about the way the world is heading, it's him that organises the repeat karate tournament, and he is responsible for giving Daniel-san a bye into the final for being a previous champion (incidentally, I've written to the FA about incorporating this into the FA Cup - I've had no reply so far) in a desperate attempt to halt the decline of Western civilisation that is symbolised so eloquently by Mike "The Bad Boy of Karate" Barnes. For some insane reason, he was not featured in the film, and is replaced by a bizarre love interest that seems to disappear without anyone noticing.

I believe that it's these bizarre ideas that has stopped this trilogy being recognised as a modern classic - and it so nearly could have been. However, because the novel gambles and succeeds, it is rightly regarded as a triumph.

Amazon#16: Kasabian

2008-06-18T18:31:00.002+01:00

STOP THIS VILE FILTH!

Link - 1 star.

I was outraged - simply outraged - to discover that this band were named after Linda Kasabian, one of the murderers of Sharon Tate, and member of the Manson family. How dare these northern tykes pay tribute to someone of her monstrous calibre? They should be ashamed of themselves, and their parents, and their parents' parents.

I ask you, what is next? I bet some band will even name themselves 'Manson', and I also bet they'll be so uneducated that they can't even spell the word. Give me clean, wholesome bands like the Beach Boys any day, especially that delightful 20/20 album.

Amazon#15: The Wisdom of Donkeys

2008-06-18T18:29:00.001+01:00

Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my donkey.

Link - 5 stars.

The subtitle of this book is "finding tranquility in a chaotic world". Well, I ascertain that if Mr Merrifield (if that really is his name) believes donkeys provide this, he has never ever seen a donkey. I will go further - he has never heard a donkey. He has never smelt a donkey. He has never touched a donkey. He may have tasted a donkey, but it's not for me to cast aspersions on a) his diet, and b) what he gets up to in the privacy of his own barn.

Take my two latest donkey aquisitions, Katy and Zoe - lordy lord lord, they give me a donkey shaped headache. Katy will not eat any donkey food, she will only eat Quorn cottage pies that have been cooked three times and then mildly warmed on a toaster. Zoe will also not eat any donkey food, but will happily eat anything else - grass, fencing, sunlight, masonry, buses, and on one fateful occasion she ate Prince Edward's antique gazebo (I swear we won't be invited back to another one of their garden parties...)

But then, compare them to the rest of my donkey menagerie. How do they fare against Sebastian? Edgar? Billy Sideways? Braying Simon? Jesus the donkey? MUCH better, because they're all boring idiots that give me a quiet life, which is absolutely what you don't want in the heady, exciting, anything-can-happen-and-then-get-eaten world of donkey ownership.

Tranquility? My ass.

ps - the book is good read it.

Amazon#14: Piece by Piece (Katie Melua)

2008-06-18T18:27:00.001+01:00

The Melua the merrier.

Link - 5 stars.

A diabolically interesting first attempt at a sophomore record - my interest was piqued at hearing her on the wireless and has remained piqued for the previous 3 years hence. Simply what can be said of her voice? Seriously, what can you say? Well, I can say that I conclude that she has one and she most certainly is not afraid to use it, communicating the human condition with an almost Brechtian alacrity (as described by my world-weary osteopath, Dr Peter Wiggins).

Although the producer and writer of these songs is more famous for writing the theme tune to Richard 'rabbit-exterminator-in-real-life' Adams' 'Watership Down' ("A song about a rabbit, written by a Batt" - D. Winton), this is most certainly not a terrifying odyssey of some mammals moving to greener pastures. It's a bit more pleasant than that.

Amazon#13: Bradford Exchange Titanic : Queen of the Ocean Plate "On the Promenade"

2008-06-18T18:25:00.001+01:00

James Cameron NOTHING.

Link - 4 stars.

So, it's taken a long time, but finally the 1,517 deaths have been justified - this plate screams out 'EMOTION' and 'TRAGEDY', and almost conveys the horror of what happened that fateful night.

The only way to make it a truly successful remembrance is to spell out 'IT GONE SUNKED' with alphabetti spaghetti, and then cry enough tears to wipe the plate clean.

Amazon#12: Cheers: Series One [1983]

2008-06-18T18:23:00.001+01:00

Drinxploitation at it's worst.

Link - 2 stars.

I am a busy man and I will keep this brief.

Alcoholism is a very serious contagious disease, and I think the fact that shows like this 'Cheers' debacle even exist, and are happy to ridicule and make fun of this condition is a terrible slight on our 21st century culture. My dear old uncle Harry (God rest his bloated soul) was crippled and eventually succumbed to his love of Baileys, and if he was alive to witness this filth, he would turn in his grave and die all over again.

However, it achieves a bonus star simply for not being the disgraceful spin-off series 'Frasier', in which some doomed wretch decided it would be fine to make fun of the mentally ill. What's next? Is the next big American sitcom going to consist of a band of paraplegic mutes attempting to traverse an escalator? Sickening.

Amazon#11: All Creatures Great and Small - series 4 - volume 2 - the bull with the bowler hat/the pig man cometh

2008-06-18T18:21:00.000+01:00

It's Christ Time!

Link - 5 stars.

I first encountered Christopher Timothy (or 'Christ Time' as I came to know him) while on a caving holiday in Yorkshire in the early 80s. We were assigned to the same team, and he was as knowledgeable and confident as I was green and terrified. He took me by the hand, and guided me expertly into the deep, dark, unseen crevices - it was quite an adventure, and we've remained firm friends ever since.

He obviously took me into his confidence, and he confessed to me he was planning some special horror editions of 'All Creatures...' - immediately, I was almost intrigued. He told me he'd developed some scripts that were quite a way off of James Herriot's source material - the first one was about a bull with a skill for finance that attempts to buy up the entire village to build a 100 metre wide road to nowhere. The second concerned a deformed piglet who is forced to walk on his hind legs, due to not being born with any fore legs - the villagers then embrace it as a new deity and form a new religion ("Pigianity"), until they're reminded by Peter Davidson, in a genuinely harrowing scene and career making speech, that it's merely an "unimpressive pig".

The reception at the time of airing was not good - it almost threatened to remove the show from the air entirely, such was the force of feeling from the nation. However, Christ Time's performance is phenomenal, as you can see he sincerely believes in the words he's uttering for the first time in his career (Peter Davidson gives it a good go, while Robert Hardy, as usual, looks peculiar, embarrassed, and more red than a human should be). However, he never truly recovered from the poor reception that his foray into script writing received - he stated his ambition to me numerous times on how he wished to be promoted to a televisual people vet, which was achieved when he won the lead role on TV's never-popular "Doctors".

Amazon#10: How to Break Bad News: A Guide for Health-Care Professionals

2008-06-18T18:19:00.001+01:00

"Remember how your husband 'used to' love a good laugh?"

Link - 4 stars

Now, let me begin by telling you that I am not a health care professional - many of my patients would probably agree with that statement. But Rob "Fast" Buckman's guide breaks beyond the barriers of profession, class, gender, race and speed - bad news can now be broken with agility and grace to allcomers.

Here are just some of the bits of bad news I've broken since purchasing this book:

"On the bright side, I scraped most of it off. Do you have any acid bleach?"

"To be fair, he was very rude about Ash Ra Tempel, and he knows what I'm like when that happens."

"Let me put it this way - have you seen the film Misery?"

"She'll live, but have you stopped to ask yourself why?"

"It actually wasn't like that when I came in, though I did witness the whole thing and it was pretty impressive."

"RUN! RUN NOW!"

"I'm afraid it's a pigeon, and it will not be removed."

As you can see - invaluable. Lord only knows in what cack-handed way I would've dealt the truth blow prior to my research.

Sadly, it misses out on 5 stars due to the frankly catastrophic.... actually, I'd rather not say. Medical science dictates you'll be able to grow a new one within 40 years anyway, so enough of my wittering.

Amazon#9: Long sleeved shirt

2008-06-18T18:17:00.001+01:00

It wrexed my life.

Link - 2 stars.

I bought this to attend a historic football kits fancy dress party - I was going as Wrexham 1897-1900, and while it was not a strict match it was certainly a decent approximation. However, the party occured during the same weekend as Wrexham were relegated out of the football league - needless to say I was not happy. I was a laughing stock for the rest of the evening, and due to my sensitive nature I was forced to leave early, along with Mansfield Town 1911-16. (Even Chesterfield 1892, Dunfermline Athletic and the mid-80s Crystal Palace shirts fared better than me - loathsome kits all, but at least those teams had the decency to get good results that weekend).

The shirt fits, and it is really quite nice and all, but..... the memories of pain will last a lifetime. Goodbye Wrexham, sadly I knew thee.

Amazon#8: An Extravagance of Donkeys

2008-06-18T18:14:00.002+01:00

Donkey see, donkey do.,

Link - 5 stars.

Ahahahahaha, now this is more like it. Rabid amazonian fans of spiders would have read about my slight disappointment on Michael J. Roberts' "Spiders of Britain and Northern Europe (Collins Field Guide)". It was fine for what it was, but much like Jeanette Winterson taught us that oranges are not the only fruit, someone needs to pass on an urgent message to Mr Roberts that spiders are not the only mammal, and devoting so much time, energy and time to writing a field guide screams volumes about his personal life.

I have quite a library of donkey-related books - "Donkey: The Mystique of Equus Asinus", "Donkeys: Their Care and Management", "Downhill All the Way: Walking with Donkeys", "The Donkey Companion", "J.W.R. - A Donkey's Face" and "Looking After a Donkey (Donkeys)" are all part of my valuably insured collection. Donkeys have always struck me as the most socialist of animals - in comparison to the low key Thatcherism of tree frogs and the rabid Stalinism of the meerkat - they posess a stubborn gentleness that hasn't gone unnoticed by trained eyes.

Now, Janet Baker-Carr has really produced something magical here - if it was possible to bottle her brain, I'd certainly be tempted to try it. This book will make you laugh and cry, then laugh again with it's delicately told woven vignettes of truth - "When she dies, they stand on her grave and bray a sad requiem on and on into the night" - powerful stuff. (However I must take issue with her stand on mules - a mule is not a donkey. IT IS AN ABOMINATION.)

An Extravagance of Donkeys? More like, An Embarassment of Riches!

Amazon#7: Home Alone 2. Lost in New York (novelisation)

2008-06-18T18:12:00.001+01:00

Left on his Todd.

Link - 5 stars.

Todd Strasser gives Kevin McAllister a genuinely poignant voice in his stunning adaptation of the classic film - personally, I rank it alongside the second Godfather film as a sequel that not only stands as a great work in it's own right, but as a film that actually enhances the scope and emotion of the first of the series.

The novella format leaves ample room for each plot point to breathe in an almost Brechtian fashion, something which I felt was lacking in the frenetic pace of the movie. With this in mind, it doesn't make it the kind of book you can breeze through in several easy sittings - a book like this needs time to digest, and is best read with an investment of around 6 months of your time.

Of course, nearly 15 years on from this being published, the world is a different, more terrifying place. The looming spectre of terrorism has given the subtitle - "Lost in New York" - a scarily prophetic edge. It acts as a potent metaphor - because who can honestly say that in today's world, we don't see ourselves as Macaulay Culkin, running blindly scared through a dilapidated house, being chased by Joe Pesci and that one from City Slickers, and only finding refuge in a kindly old lady with a demented pigeon fetish?

I know I do.

Amazon#6: 9ct Yellow Gold AMR303949 Ladies 0.01ct Diamond & Fresh Water Pearl Ring Size Q

2008-06-18T18:11:00.001+01:00

Lord of the rings.

Link - 5 stars.

I bought this ring for my wife's birthday, and it's certainly made her life less dreary than it previously was. Although a warning - the night before, she went out to celebrate with her friends, so I got tanked up on Hofmeisters and thought it would be funny to try on one of her dresses. One thing led to another, and I developed the foolhardy notion that the illusion would be incomplete unless I was wearing the ring. Well, it's clearly designed for dainty digits and not my chubby man hands, as it was stuck solid - at this point, I panicked, then formed a plan and went straight to bed.

Needless to say, the wife was not best pleased when she was presented with a wrapped finger on the morning of her birthday. I called my mate Terry who is a fireman, and he cut the ring off - it now lies in pieces at the bottom of the carp pond, and the wife insisted I buy her a new one.

That aside, it's lovely.

Amazon#5: Le Creuset Almond Ramekins x 2

2008-06-18T18:09:00.001+01:00

My life has changed!

Link - 5 stars

After trying these stoneware ramekins, I could never go back to my previous method of home-made paper cones - I can't go back, and I won't, so please don't ask me to.

Amazon#4: Spiders of Britain and Northern Europe (Collins Field Guide)

2008-06-18T18:07:00.001+01:00

It's certainly about spiders.

Link - 4 stars.

If you'd like a book about spiders, then this is probably the book for you, as it almost entirely consists of information about spiders. I don't care for spiders that much, so I didn't find it that enthralling - personally, I prefer books about donkeys.

Misses out on 5 stars due to the lack of donkey references.

Amazon#3: Silas Marner (Wordsworth Classics)

2008-06-18T18:05:00.001+01:00

Wow!

Link - 5 stars

Awesome book, simply awesome to the max. The kind of book that's so thrilling, you can't help but jump in the air and exclaim your glee with extreme volume every other page - indeed, I was thrown off the train for that very reason. I finished reading the book at the station in a feast of jumping and yelling, and I regret nothing.

Can't wait for the sequel!

Amazon#2: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Extended Edition Box Set)

2008-06-18T18:01:00.002+01:00

Far Fetched.

Link - 3 stars.

I can't say I cared for these films. The basic premise was ridiculous - I've never seen a man wear a ring (let alone a ridiculous miniature version of a man) - and then it just gets worse from there, featuring all kinds of animals that don't exist. I haven't lived an especially long life, but I've never seen an orc, elf, dwarf or Bernard Hill, so I find it an affront to my dignity and intelligence to have to watch them endlessly paraded in front of me in my own home.

I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash.

Three stars.

NB - worth clicking on the link to see the random comments.

Amazon#1: Draper 13506 Paint Roller & Tray Set 230mm

2008-06-18T17:59:00.002+01:00

Link - 4 stars.

This Draper paint distribution assistant does all the tasks required of it, but no more. I painted my dining room using only this item and a chair for some high corners, which proves that hiring decorators is unnecessary and undesirable.

Loses out on 5 stars as the paint was not included - I had to buy it from a seperate vendor, which is neither cheap nor convenient in today's world.