Jesus Christ, is it that time of year again? I believe it is! The definitive top ten records of 2009 list is coming at you, right now, below this frankly irrelevant introductory blurb which still needs to be here for some reason.And what a year it's been! We've seen someone unknown and utterly shit win some kind of award, the continued and baffling rise of Lady HawHaw, and the biggest news event of the decade bar NONE - the death of Sir Michael Jackson, king of unproven paedophilia (or 'pop' as the tabloids call it). So great was it's effect that the people of Iran put down their primitive weapons and joined hands in mourning for the great man (at least, that's what I could gather from the news coverage).
On a personal note, the year wasn't so good - 1) I lost my cushy graphic design job, 2) my wife left me but sadly returned after a few glorious months and 3) I needed to vacate London for somewhere more secure, with far fewer people or police around (see point 1).
Anyway, looking back on last year's list, I can't believe how naive some of my choices were! Did I really include Miws and Terence in my top 10? Thankfully, Marmoset and Kevin Davies justified inclusion by following up on the initial promise (and I'm afraid I can't comment on Michaels Erikson's situation until the court case is resolved).
Without further anything, onto the list... gosh, this is utterly exciting or something...
1. Slush Fund - PowerviolenceI thought grindcore had died out pretty soon after Napalm Death ill-advisedly birthed it as a reaction to Thatcher's brutal reign; but then along came Slush Fund! With powerful and violent drumming offsetting the powerful and violent guitars, which work incredibly well with the violently powerful cello section that set this band apart from it's non-existent contemporaries... and in a genre known for it's brevity, the 12 minutes long works out were a breathe of fresh air to this obstinate writer.
2. The zz - DVD-RW+
Great new young-pup-electro-indie band from somewhere in London that everyone else seems to like, hence their inclusion here. I nearly remembered one of their songs just then, but the moment has gone.
3. McManamanara - Hibiscus Now!
I know, the inclusion of the controversial US band could raise some eyebrows... but leaving aside the fierce right wing rhetoric, the calls for involuntary repatriation for anyone who disagrees with them (which includes a high majority of US nationals) and the declaration that bearing arms should be mandatory, on this record you could find a solid rhythm section and some great singing from Hank Exocet. Sadly, their reputation never recovered after Exocet was outed as a South African pre-op transgender person, but at least he/she/it seems to have settled down a bit.
4. Andrew Chesterfield - Left at the Lights
Gnu-acoustic newcomer Chesterfield popped up from nowhere to take the BBC Radio Lincolnshire North 'Best newcomer under the age of 16' prize at their inaugural folk awards last year - before he was stripped of the title early this year as his real age was revealed to be 34. No matter - Left at the Lights is a wonderful record, full of fuzzy banjos, croonsome strings, maudling mandolins and yet further fuzzy banjos. While there was an occasional misstep to be heard, the heart-rending version of Atari Teenage Riot's 'Get Up While You Can' was not among them.
Breakthrough record for the Canadian psychedelic sextant, and considering it's their 48th release it's not before time... and yet their average age is still only 28! (which includes 72 year old theremin virtuoso Solomon Penski, which gives you no idea where they're coming from). In a year otherwise dominated by thrash or generally downbeat indie-folk hybrids, the playful melodic stupid irritability of tracks such as 'Rainbow Troops' and 'I've Got John's Trousers' were a welcome breath of fresh air, provided the air was secretly contaminated with LSD and asbestos.
6. Whiny Rachel - The Cold Dark Night of the Mole
It's a shame that the backstory of the record has outshone the music contained herein, but never mind. Rachel Williams early career was full of promise, and she soon signed to big money indie label ShankDitch - right at the same time that label head and professional prick Jeffsy Conraad laid off two thirds of the workforce. A heroic graphic designer, unhappy at how he'd been treated, then subtly altered the titles to a number of releases before sending the completed art to the manufacturer; whenceupon Rachel Williams was rebirthed as Whiny Rachel, and by this point it was far too late to do anything about it. (see also how dubstep superstar D-Scale became simply D-Twat, and indie tykes The Gloryfields became Bunch o' Cockrags).
Luckily, Rachel's music is far too superior to suffer at the hands of any sabotage (no matter how well thought out and brilliantly done), with the record sounding like Nick Drake would if he was a teenage woman, played the banjo, and was still alive. I suspect that the wronged designer regrets affecting an album this good, but I also suspect he was at the end of his tether and wanted to hurt is former employers rather than Rachel. I'm also sure he'd apologise to her if he could, but certainly not to the label or that twat Conraad, who is also a prick.
7. Llywellyn and the Llywellyns - Idiot Son of Donkey Kong
While I've never been a fan of the rock opera, I will make an exception for this young North Walian outfit. Coup doesn't really describe the casting masterstroke of Michael Sheen in the role of a lifetime - Julian Cope. Like the man himself, this is a hugely ambitious, occasionally confused but always blistering piece of work that I can scarcely believe actually exists. My one gripe - apart from the title, there is no reference to anything he did outside of his Brain Donor project. I seriously cannot wait for the 3D re-release next year...
While a lot of loop process music is infinitely dull and is only listened to by aloof hipsters, curious knobheads or the mentally deranged, I found myself really liking this record. The Austrian ex-pat weaves an almost musical montage out of such found sounds as a kettle coming to the boil, builders working on site and a train going over a river. Sadly, Von Hoffenheim hasn't seen a penny of royalties due to a contentious lawsuit brought on by the aforementioned builders.
9. Anonymous - Untitled
While widely pilloried for being some of the most unpleasant people since Francois Duvalier's reign of terror, the math-glitch sound of this American duo is phenomenally ahead of it's time, and probably even ahead of the time they'll have in the future. Like a Fuck Buttons with more than one song, a Silver Apples that isn't old fashioned and irrelevant, and a Suicide that isn't unlistenable (well, half the time), Anonymous make a lot of people utterly furious, but they make me happy - ultimately, this is what matters most. Sadly, like Georg Von Hoffenheim, Anonymous also haven't seen a penny of royalties, but it's down to the fact that they've sold fuck all copies.
10. ??????? - ???????
Traditionally, I've kept the number 10 spot blank - my reasoning being that it's impossible to accurately pin down a perfect list of 10, so the last spot could rotate and change on any given day, depending on the mood of the world. This year however, is slightly different - the number 10 spot is blank because there were only 9 good records released this year. I've tried finding another record that was any good, but trust me - there isn't one. Everything else was either a little bit shit, or a massive skip full of shit with a CD attached.
REISSUE OF THE YEAR: Plutocrat - The Collected Woks of...
A wonderful posthumous anthology from the much-loved stalwart of the Hartlepool street music scene... The entire world was astonished to discover he was actually the missing Clotworthy Nigel Simone Barkus Barkus Skeffington, 9th Earl of Merthyr. He disappeared while serving his national service in the early 1950s in Sri Lanka, and as we now know he returned early in 1963 with dysentery, hepatitis, and a sitar. He travelled the UK plying his uniquely melodic trade with characteristic eccentricity, and was taken in by the good people of Hartlepool, as he looked like a monkey that had been on the gallows for a couple of years, provided the gallows was also in the sea. The rest is a kind of history.
PREDICTIONS FOR 2010:
I think 2010 will bring many changes, including USA's first black president. I also predict that temperatures will rise gradually throughout the first 7 months of next year, before tailing off afterwards - interestingly, I believe that only people in the northern hemisphere will be affected.
HERO OF THE YEAR:
Me, for facing horrifying adversity and surviving like a champ.
VILLAIN OF THE YEAR:
Jeffsy Conraad. What an utter bulb that man is.
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