Amazon #42: Ciroa Miniamo Wire Cupcake Tree

5 stars - link (TBC)

While this is sturdy, reliable, exciting, decorative and is easing the pain of the days leading up to the general election, there's one problem - where on earth do you get wire cupcakes? My attempts at baking them were nothing short of disastrous, and when I asked the man at Waitrose about it he was very rude to me.

Can anyone help?!? Also, how are they eaten? Do I need wire teeth?

ps - it really does look like a tree doesn't it! Amazing artisanship.

Amazon overload?

All the posts I've done here for ages have been amazon reviews. Does anyone miss me writing about other stuff? If you'd like to see me carry on some other noble traditions that this blog has given up on (ie, trying to be funny about whatever's on my mind at any given time), then write "yes please" or something in the comments.

However, if you have strong feelings against this, or are generally totally indifferent to me and my actions, then carry on ignoring me like you always do and proceed with your day. I just hope something of medium weight falls on you - not heavy enough to kill you, but heavy enough to make you think about what you're doing to me.

Amazon #41: Terminator 1-4 (4-Disc Set)

5 stars - link

I don't know where to begin with these shocking travesties of film-making. It was bought for me as an easter gift from my first wife, and I can only suggest that she did it as a cruel sabotage of my mental well being.

I mean - it's such an unrealistic principle for a film. Killer robots, going around shooting guns at people - and occasionally even other robots! Has anyone here ever seen such a thing? I find it totally irresponsible to fill people's heads with such nonsense. It encourages people to live in some kind of fantasy farm world, where violence is ok and robots are either to be feared, or respected, laughed at, or brought into the family - depending which abortion of a film you decide to watch first.

I have to admit, the films do get better as they proceed - the 4th one is even sort of exciting as it's got Batman from American Psycho in it. So if you insist on watching these, my advice would be to do it in reverse order - but don't bother with the first one as it's from the 80s and looks really cheap (although it does have the man from K2 in it).

As I've said before, I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash. However; the packaging is exemplary, and it arrived within 7 days of ordering so 5 stars.

Amazon #40: Child Donkey Costume - Size Medium

5 stars - link (REJECTED BY AMAZON)

I like this costume for 2 reasons - one) with a little imagination you can apply it to all major Christian / Secular holidays; and b) it's genuinely terrifying, much like the Dummy portrayed in the eponymous episode of Nigel Kneale's Beasts.

Obviously, it's most apt for Christmas; who doesn't know of the little donkey galloping towards Bethlehem with a heavily pregnant Mary on it's back, desperately trying to make it before the wandering star gets there and the stable closes for the holidays. It's also applicable for Easter, with some slight tweaks to the tale as told - in my version, it's a Roman donkey that nails Christ to the cross (see also Lindt bunnies: they can resemble donkeys with some strategic shattering on the head and torso).

Also, on May Day a donkey is sacrificed inside a larger makeshift 'Wicker Donkey', much to the children's delight. On Halloween it makes an appearance as the aforementioned Dummy as a tribute to Nigel Kneale, swiftly followed by an appearance on bonfire night as Guy's Ass. Then before you know it, Christmas has arrived again and the whole sorry cycle of forced jollity continues.

My holiday cynicism aside; this costume is a lot of fun, highly durable and tremendous value - although it has no real educational value, as if you want to learn anything about donkey anatomy from this then frankly, you're braying up the wrong haystack or whatever the hell it is donkeys do to express frustration at others.