Steveface party!

Steveface is sweeping the nation. In the words of it's creators, "you take a Steve, you take a face, you create STEVEFACE". Come on down for an evening of pure Steveface pleasure, and experience the purest kind of fantastic joy that you can only truly achieve by holding something in front of your face.

Check out these suspicious looking Stevefaces!



Special guest DJ will be the famous Steve, Steve Harley from Cock Knee Rebel. Also, have your picture taken with / behind.... STEVE CLARIDGE! Yes, the speeding journeyman footballer cum pundit (insert your own punctuation) will be on hand to celebrate being called Steve.

Happening THIS FRIDAY, at Clwb Stevor Bach, Cardiff. And rememer the golden rule: "if your name's not Steve, you're not coming in".

COMING SOON.... Steveface: the movie!

Follow TV's Steve-O and his pal Steve Davies on a global odyssey as he travels the world in search of fellow Steves to photograph, and generally irritate the fuck out of. Special appearances by Steve Coogan, Steve Archibald, Steve Cram, and Rachel Stephens as the envious harlot who isn't allowed into their select group of Stevedores.

Amazon #19: Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid.

4 stars - link.

El-Bow Down!

This is a perfectly acceptable stab at a music record from the hairy and slightly overweight British people. Notes, words, drum, notes - this record has it all, or as near to it as makes no odds. It comes as no surprise that Gustav Xavier Mercury picked it as his favourite album of the last 12 months, though is it really as good as the Klaxons?

I've found this record is best enjoyed while drinking a cheeky little rioja, while holidaying in Wiltshire and discussing the whereabouts of Radko Mladic among several local parish councillors - that's when it affected me most anyway; other people may prefer Gloucestershire.

The Geraldine Fibbers, brought to you by Spillers Records.

While I can't do 'proper' updates at the moment, I'd like to take this opportunity to celebrate the fact that I finally own a copy of Butch by the Geraldine Fibbers on vinyl - what a record. It's only taken something like 11 years for me to do, and it's thanks to the good people at Spillers Records.

Here's a song by them - it is called California Tuffy.

Webless.

I am currently without internet access in my flat - this is of course a travesty. Hopefully I'll have a chance to write something vaguely funny in the next few weeks, and with more music to come at you when I get comfortable settled in my new home.

Please don't think I don't care about my (admittedly small) audience - I don't, but I'd prefer that you didn't think that.

Yours,
X

I SURVIVED GREEN MAN and all I got was this lousy nothing.

Ah, festivals... I feel slightly less buggered in the face by the whole Green Man experience than I did yesterday, but I'm still not quite there. I've been trying to show my wristband everywhere I go today, and I'm not even wearing it any more.

Anyway, it's been nearly a month since I last wrote anything, and I feel bad because in the meantime I've found out that people actually read this (hiya Ben! Or is it Bien? I forget...), so here's a compilation of tunes for people to download and enjoy. It includes some of my favourite tunes, a few random curios, and some things that fall in between. None of it is boring though; if you think it is then you have no soul.

Let me know if you like this, and I'll make it a regular feature... otherwise, no feedback = no future for the feature.

(Usual music blog rules apply - if anyone objects to any of these songs being given away for free, then let me know and they'll be removed. I don't want to annoy people who give me great tunes, I just want to share the riches... and you if you like the tunes, for god's sake buy them. Especially the Monsoon Bassoon, on Weird Neighbourhood records.)

DOWNLOAD THE MOTHER HERE.

Tracklisting:
1. 2001 Sprach Kazoostra - Temple City Kazoo Orchestra
2. TMP Smackdown - The Meat Purveyors
3. Kayla - Kilowatthours
4. Cannibal (I Cannabili) - Ennio Morricone
5. A Remark - Manyfingers
6. Hilly Fields - Nick Nicely
7. It's Cold Outside - The Choir
8. Lonesome In The Pines - Darby & Tarlton
9. Wild - The Butterflies Of Love
10. Satan is Real - The Louvin Brothers
11. The Weather - Built To Spill
12. Alice - Jon Plum
13. Psychosomatica - Bedhead
14. Country Music On The Moon - Jack Broadwell
15. Arundel - Mogwai
16. It Begins With A Blessing, Once I Awakened, But It Ends With A Curse - Kevin Ayers
17. The Big Ship - Brian Eno
18. Crazy Horses (33 RPM version) - The Osmonds
19. Wise Guy - The Monsoon Bassoon
20. Love Me - Dudley Moore
21. Bedazzled - Peter Cook
22. O Kentucky - Papa M
23. St. Nicholas Hall - Judy Henske & Jerry Yester
24. Hillbilly Wedding In June - The DeZurik (Cackle) Sisters
25. Gone - Matt Elliott
26. I Love You....Nor Do I - Anita Lane ft. Nick Cave
27. Country Roads - Ukuleles of Halifax

Picture of the day

So, the football season has begun in earnest - Aston Villa drew against Odense in the intertoto cup. Not the most exciting of occasions, but it highlights that there is under a month until the start of the new season proper... anyway, I was delight to note that Steve Sidwell's first act of note for Villa was to score an own goal, resulting in this fabulous piece of photo journalism:

Sidwell (middle) seems to have developed a look of angry incredulity (previously thought impossible by face scientists), while Petrov (right) is trying his hardest to see if he can actually kill a man by looking at him. Meanwhile, Martin Laursen (left) clearly longs for the days of Gordon Cowans - the impression he does is uncanny.

Tee hee hee...

While watching a documentary on the Spanish Civil War (fuck me, it's crazy around my flat at this time of year, you never know what's going to happen next), this chap popped onto the screen. The name was funny enough in a juvenile kind of way, but the caption below makes it work on all levels ever created. But it's the juvenile aspect I like best...

The picture definition of 'bullied at school'.

Amazon #18: Brabantia 135x45 Raindrops Ironing Board

3 stars.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with R. Patel "Bush4ever" from Texas (otherwise known as the "backwards state") - while the price is certainly competitive, I'm unsure that this really is an ironing board.

The measurements of 135x45 certainly seem accurate on the surface, but if you look at the picture, you'll see how far the legs stick out either side - such sturdiness goes far above what you'd expect from an average ironing board, and I suspect this has more sinister uses that the manufacturers know all about - after having done some research I'm certain it involves Portugal's nuclear capabilities, David Shayler and several capybaras. Watch this space world!

ps - it actually works quite well as an ironing board too. Alas! I have no iron, so I've only used it in an imaginary capacity so far - but it didn't disappoint.

The Osmonds - gnarlier than Kyuss.

I don't need to say much about this - if you've ever visited my flat, then I've inflicted this on you. I was tipped off to it's majesty by my good friend and walking library, Chris Fowler - and I swear, this is the speed that this song was meant to be played at. I can't listen to the regular version anymore (not that I'd do so through choice anyway) - it sounds too fast and cartoonish now that this has entered my consciousness.

Enough wittering - ladies and gentlemen, this proves that the Osmonds are heavier than Kyuss, even if it's unintentional.

The Osmonds - Crazy Horses (33 RPM version - MP3)

Animal Facts #2: The Frog

It's time to get animal facted. Prepare thyselves...

• Although usually perceived to be some kind of "landfish" (Charles Darwin once described them as "the hovercraft of the animal kingdom", which showed a remarkable degree of foresight, even for him), frogs are actually what is known as an 'amffibeon'.
  
• The incredibly over-used analogy of the boiling frog goes thus: "A frog can be boiled alive if the water is heated slowly enough — it is said that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will never jump out." This is of course, utter fucking nonsense and whoever uses it should be ashamed of themselves. If you put a frog in boiling water, IT WILL DIE. If you put a frog in cold water that you then heat to boiling point, IT WILL JUMP OUT AT SOME POINT BECAUSE IT ISN'T AS DUMB AS THE VAPID TWAT THAT'S DOING 'EXPERIMENTS' WITH THE FROG IN THE FIRST COCKING PLACE.
• Even though frog rhymes with dog, these two species are actually vastly different. For example, a frog cannot be trained to lead the blind, and dogs have an intense dislike of being contained in small glass tanks.
  
• 'Frogman!' was a shortlived Marvel comic that lasted for 5 issues in the early 1960s. Although initially promising, fans of comics were repelled by Frogman's unusual super power of being able to emit his young from his mouth, and in the final issue that decided the comics fate, through holes in his skin - a record number of complaints were received, and still arrive in the Marvel offices to this day.
  
• Frogs are evolving at a terrifying exponential rate, and it is predicted by a scientist I met in a pub that they will be able to dominate humanity by the year 2026. However, according to his philosopher friend who was also in the same pub, they are gentle souls by nature so it is unclear whether they will actually do this.

In this photograph, we can see that frogs have already evolved to the point that they resemble Peter Crouch going on a date.