Amazon #47: 1421:The Year China Discovered the World

3 stars - link

I very rarely write serious, impassioned, insightful and genuinely critical reviews on amazon, and I'm not about to start now.

This book is really silly.

Amazon #46: Draw Your Own Manga: All the Basics

5 stars - link

1) Step one is the hardest step of all - be sure to an only child, and the offspring of itinerant HGV driver and the village outcast. Ideally, you will only have a cursory interest in both receiving and delivering the spoken word.

2) Hang around working quarries, waste depots and the like without wearing safety goggles - some kind of eye disease is vital.

3) Do not have an eye for details - if you possess one, discard it like you dispose of a mars bar wrapper while indulging your 30-a-day habit.

4) Sniff heroic amounts of glue between the ages of seven and forty three.

5) While sketching your first attempts at creating a manga masterpiece... a mangapiece, if you will - do it in the rain to get that authentic manga look (if the wind is above 30 MPH, all the better).

6) If the storyline is too linear, rearrange the pages and turn some of them upside down.

7) Most modern mangas that have been heard of outside the author's family have a rape scene of some kind. Just sayin'.

8) Publishing houses are stuck in the 18th century - all successful and original manga is distributed online (in much the same way as the music industry - if a musician releases his material solely online, it's regarded as the pinnacle of achievement by his peers.)

9) Don't dwell too long on the material - there's a reason why most manga looks like it was tossed off in a matter of minutes (ie, it was).

10) And finally - do not be put off by the sneering and derisory attitude of 'the world' as you paste pages of your mangapiece around areas of your local parish. Time will either vindicate you, or forget all about you.

Amazon #45: Status Quo - Pictures: 40 Years of Hits

5 stars - link


An overdue anthology from the massively influential Catford band, cited as an influence by such modern luminaries as Devendra Banhart, Kate Bush, and frequently named as the favourite band of indie-pop lightweight Martin Carr to anyone who'll listen (which is now into double figures).

This collection does it's best to convey the wide range of experimental styles they've dabbled in throughout the years - the proto-Stooges rumble of 'Paper Plane', the Reichian minimalisms of 'Rockin' All Over the World' - and the apocalyptic boogie woogie stylings of songs such as 'Marguerita Time' owe a huge debt to player piano innovator Conlon Nancarrow.

The heavy hitting Pilger-like commentary of 'In the Army Now' has lost none of it's effect over time, and is a timely reminder of our brave troops serving in some foreign place, and the subversive take on gender politics of 'Don't Drive My Car' has become an unlikely theme song for many left-wing feminist movements.

With such a daunting and impenetrable discography, it's often been hard for the newcomer to appreciate where to begin with a band like Status Quo, and the elitist attitude of their hardcore fanbase is also daunting (who often yell "we give QUO QUARTER" at gig goers who don't know the lyrics to obscure b-sides by the Quo's 60's incarnation). Happily, this introduction will give these misunderstood underachievers a fresh perspective in a post-9/11 world.

Amazon #44: Plum Products 10-Foot Trampoline and Enclosure

5 stars - link pending (but probably won't be approved)

I'll level with you because you're honest consumers, but I actually came across this product as I couldn't find any decent portable containment facilities, aka 'punishment parks' for disciplining vagrants, burglars, my children and also the children of others. I thought that maybe this ten foot trampoline could suffice, but was a little worried as everyone I know only has two feet.

I digress, and amusingly so! What was once a decent enough trampoline, is now a solid, impenetrable fortress. It's amazing what you can do when you remove a few springs, and add some barbed wire and a little electricity. The kids don't like it much, but that's sort of the point - when they start attending school, the discipline I'm instilling will stand them in good stead.

Amazon #43: The Sun Guide to the 2010 World Cup

5 stars - link

Lucy, 22, a part-time hairdresser from Dulwich says:
"I always look forward to the world cup, because the Sun really comes into it's own as a man's newspaper: for men, by men, to men. This guide carries on their usual excellent work, but it's a shame that so many foreign countries get to take part. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for."

Denise, 19, a part-time student from Wycombe says:
"I love the World Cup, and the Sun's excellent coverage really make it more manageable for a girl like me to know what's going on. When I can tear it away from my man that is! Although it's disappointing so many people who aren't English speakers are allowed to take part. It's political correctness gone mad."

Rupert, 79, a media tycoon from Melbourne says:
"The Sun's coverage on any subject is unsurpassed; the World Cup is no exception. It's a shame that so many unpronouncable, unspellable and unspeakable countries and players are allowed to take part as it makes things so much harder for us to write about. It's broken Britain in practice: I've been assured Mr Cameron will change things in time for the 2014 World Cup, so we can make Britain great. Er, again."

Amazon #42: Ciroa Miniamo Wire Cupcake Tree

5 stars - link (TBC)

While this is sturdy, reliable, exciting, decorative and is easing the pain of the days leading up to the general election, there's one problem - where on earth do you get wire cupcakes? My attempts at baking them were nothing short of disastrous, and when I asked the man at Waitrose about it he was very rude to me.

Can anyone help?!? Also, how are they eaten? Do I need wire teeth?

ps - it really does look like a tree doesn't it! Amazing artisanship.

Amazon overload?

All the posts I've done here for ages have been amazon reviews. Does anyone miss me writing about other stuff? If you'd like to see me carry on some other noble traditions that this blog has given up on (ie, trying to be funny about whatever's on my mind at any given time), then write "yes please" or something in the comments.

However, if you have strong feelings against this, or are generally totally indifferent to me and my actions, then carry on ignoring me like you always do and proceed with your day. I just hope something of medium weight falls on you - not heavy enough to kill you, but heavy enough to make you think about what you're doing to me.

Amazon #41: Terminator 1-4 (4-Disc Set)

5 stars - link

I don't know where to begin with these shocking travesties of film-making. It was bought for me as an easter gift from my first wife, and I can only suggest that she did it as a cruel sabotage of my mental well being.

I mean - it's such an unrealistic principle for a film. Killer robots, going around shooting guns at people - and occasionally even other robots! Has anyone here ever seen such a thing? I find it totally irresponsible to fill people's heads with such nonsense. It encourages people to live in some kind of fantasy farm world, where violence is ok and robots are either to be feared, or respected, laughed at, or brought into the family - depending which abortion of a film you decide to watch first.

I have to admit, the films do get better as they proceed - the 4th one is even sort of exciting as it's got Batman from American Psycho in it. So if you insist on watching these, my advice would be to do it in reverse order - but don't bother with the first one as it's from the 80s and looks really cheap (although it does have the man from K2 in it).

As I've said before, I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash. However; the packaging is exemplary, and it arrived within 7 days of ordering so 5 stars.

Amazon #40: Child Donkey Costume - Size Medium

5 stars - link (REJECTED BY AMAZON)

I like this costume for 2 reasons - one) with a little imagination you can apply it to all major Christian / Secular holidays; and b) it's genuinely terrifying, much like the Dummy portrayed in the eponymous episode of Nigel Kneale's Beasts.

Obviously, it's most apt for Christmas; who doesn't know of the little donkey galloping towards Bethlehem with a heavily pregnant Mary on it's back, desperately trying to make it before the wandering star gets there and the stable closes for the holidays. It's also applicable for Easter, with some slight tweaks to the tale as told - in my version, it's a Roman donkey that nails Christ to the cross (see also Lindt bunnies: they can resemble donkeys with some strategic shattering on the head and torso).

Also, on May Day a donkey is sacrificed inside a larger makeshift 'Wicker Donkey', much to the children's delight. On Halloween it makes an appearance as the aforementioned Dummy as a tribute to Nigel Kneale, swiftly followed by an appearance on bonfire night as Guy's Ass. Then before you know it, Christmas has arrived again and the whole sorry cycle of forced jollity continues.

My holiday cynicism aside; this costume is a lot of fun, highly durable and tremendous value - although it has no real educational value, as if you want to learn anything about donkey anatomy from this then frankly, you're braying up the wrong haystack or whatever the hell it is donkeys do to express frustration at others.

Amazon #39: Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses

5 stars - link

Sunglasses! What are they all about? Can anyone wear them? What are they for? Why are they for? Exactly, no-one really knows...

Originally invented to infiltrate Panda country by Tibetan guerillas in 927 AD, they've come a long way to the snazzy designer specs that are currently on the market - y'know, the kind that astronauts might wear. Woah!

Throughout European history, sunglasses fetishists have been pilloried and abused by the ignorant peasant masses. This came to a head in 1283, when the Vatican announced a mass purge of anyone suspected by the catholic church of being a speccy. Bejesus!

While with no real historical connection to protestantism per se, the sheer hatred felt by the Catholics towards sunglasses meant that Martin Luther was often seen sporting a pair, just to wind them up. For the next few centuries, sunglasses were intrinsically linked with the protestant movement - the older reader may remember some footage of a chapel on the outskirts of Portsmouth in 1920 that shows this. Really wild!

In modern times, sunglasses were introduced the British public by Bono as part of his many philanthropic enterprises he always goes on about - he in turn took the idea from watching an old Hume Cronyn film where he was seen sporting a pair of ray-bans. One love!

Anyway, these Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses are pretty good as far as sunglasses go.