The Vandelay Industries Genuine Quality Deciding Tastemaker list of 2008.

Ok, call me a hypocrite if you like – I swore to myself that I wouldn't do a 'best of 2008' list, which is the time where music journos / hobbyists / idiots feel that their opinions somehow matter and deserve to be foisted on an overly busy and stressed public, regarding whichever discordant wilful obscurism has made them out to be cooler than the rest of the cunts that make up their woefully hateful tribal entourage. I hate these people, and the thought of unspecified harm to their person makes me giggle slightly.

With that in mind, let's get listing! I couldn't decide on an order for these, as quality and genre are irregular bedfellows – it's practically metaphorical buggery – so they're presented in a random order, with some 'treats' thrown in at the end for good measure.

1. The Civil War Alliance – Lee's Stagecoach
More wonderful literary experimental indie from the Minnesotan sextet - the concept of the record is on the subject of inanimate objects involved with the American civil war. The lead single from the album, also titled 'Lee's Stagecoach', would doubtless have charted higher had it ventured beyond the lyrical boundaries of merely listing items that General Lee might have used. If they ever break out into new conceptual directions, they'd be vaguely dangerous – Colin Meloy had better look behind his shoulder. I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009.

2. Marmoset - Klassische-X
Jazz tinged minimal techno from Budapest - the sound alternates between the sunrise in a rain forest and a robot pissing into a bin. The contrast between the two vastly differing styles makes this the best record I've heard for quite some time - I can't wait to see what he offers in 2009.

3. Fire Flagon - When This Is Over I'll Be Molesting Yr Skull and Laughing, Laughing, Laughing...
No one does fiery, searing, piercing 30 minute prog-skrunk-psychedelic-jazzy-dub cosmic voyages quite like this bunch of 17 year olds from Torquay. Vaguely reminiscent of Faust drowning in Magma while the Cosmic Jokers look on and laugh, the diamond encrusted quadruple gatefold warns you that what you're about to hear definitely is not normal. One of Julian Cope's favourite records of the decade - I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009.

4. Professor Postlethwaite's World of Emporium - The Purple Shoppe of Psychedelic Schemes
Admittedly nauseating for 9/10ths of it's emetic duration, the modern psych revivalists make it worth the price of admission with 'You'll Regret This, Come Join Us", their remarkable 9 minute declaration of war on anything post 1968. They also deserve a special mention for their political wing taking 5 council seats at the last elections in Shoreditch. I can't wait to see what antics they'll offer in 2009!

5. Sloblock – Winsome Losesome
Album number 11 in 3 years from the drone-folk project led by Chad Bingley, guitarist in folk-drone band Clothiers. A veritable smorgasbord of shifting textures, sounds, rhythms, malleted strings and howls, it’s otherworldly sound was a massive leap on from their previous album “Calliope’s Revenge”, that was released 2 months prior to this one, and was far more accessible than the terrifying triple CD album “Trepanning My Way to your Heart” that came out 3 months after. I can’t wait to sift through what they offer in 2009.

6. The Listerine Dragons - Anthologically Correct
Though technically a compilation of the defunct act's finer moments from their all-too-brief time together in the early eighties, this is the one thing I've listened to most over the previous 12 months – Last FM proves it. Famously averse to releasing music of any kind, this takes a selection of badly recorded bootlegs and puts them in one place for the world enjoy, with liner notes from Everett True. I can't wait to see what they offer in 2009. Hopefully themselves as a sacrifice.

7. Terence – Our name are Terence
Perfect power punk pop from the youngsters from New Zealand. Controversially received in their home country due to questionable lyrics concerning the Maori population, for the rest of the world (where local politics correctly take second place to a good beat) it was a case of the hype not going far enough – and while the decision to release the album solely on MySpace attracted ire from musical purists and people with souls, it was a marketing masterstroke that catapulted them into the mainstream. I can’t wait to hear what they offer in 2009.

8. Kevin Davies - The Hole Beneath My Heart
Heartfelt slowcore Americana from the hard-nosed Bolton striker? Uh, ok! 12 gorgeous slices of angst-filled vignettes, it reminded me of early Townes Van Zandt. One of the surprises of the julian calendar year (especially Ricardo Vaz Te's virtuoso turn on castanets), it's just a shame he couldn't tour it due to Bolton's ongoing battle against football. I can't wait to see what he offers in 2009, when hopefully he'll have some more time on his hands.

9. Miws - Aberlution
A Welsh language Muse tribute band - absolutely has to be heard to be believed, and even now I'm still doubting it. Made up of former members of Anrhefn, Zabrinski and Frisbee, their sporadic gigs round west and north Wales have been received rapturously, and fills me with a kind of nationalistic candor that the world hasn't seen since Radko Mladic put his boots on. Ones to watch from both sides of the law enforcement barrier - sai'n gallu aros i weld beth mae nhw'n cynnal yn 2009.

10. Er….. well…… hmm. I can’t decide – there have been so many other releases worthy of a mention that I can’t pick another one. Whether it’s the dub-jungle vinyl slabs from the mysterious “White Label” collective, the angelic vocal stylings of Marian Sumner (nepotism be damned, it was a fine record and I don’t care who her father is), and not forgetting the childlike tweecore of “Giraffe”. I can’t wait to see what they, and many others, offer us in 2009.

SPECIAL MENTIONS!

RE-ISSUE OF THE YEAR!
Sly Wilcox – Heaven is a Drug (and so is Hell, and probably Purgatory too Wo-Man)
Finally, this lost psych-folk masterpiece from 1965 is widely available again. The lyrics of the classic ‘Drug Mule Woman’ are still among the finest I’ve heard – “I got a drug mule woman / Filled her up good / My drug mule woman / Likes different kinds of food, sing it baby” – when it’s repeated for the duration of side A, it becomes like a religious mantra, and I’m happy to be converted. I would say that I can’t wait to see what he offers in 2009, but he’s dead.

MOST SADLY MISSED: George W. Bush. If it wasn’t for his fast reflexes (and I say that in the most grudging way possible), he’d have had a shoe in the face, and the world would’ve rejoiced (apart from people who don’t matter). So, so, so, so, so near.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2009: Things will be pretty much as they are now, only slightly worse.

(Coming soon - some genuine music I like from 2008 (but I promise you I won't write about it, just make a compilation) and some christmas music that will make you as miserable as I am.)

Forgotten bands 1: The Listerine Dragons

The Listerine Dragons were the founders of the short lived 'Spatchcore' movement, which mainly occurred during 1984 in Carlisle. Their sound has variously been described as 'terrifying', 'totally mesmerising, like a fairground on fire' and 'akin to being shot in the elbow by a crying pig'.

The legendary but shamefully overlooked three piece consisted of Ed 'Skunk' Templeton (gtr), Simon Cunges (bass, vox) and the deeply religious Jebediah Grundy (flaming drums). They met at Austin Friars St Monicas Roman Catholic Private School in 1981, and immediately bonded over a shared love of not wanting to spend any time in the school buildings whatsoever.

Their initial musical exploits were confined to setting fire to small woodland creatures according to a pre-arranged pattern, much along the lines of the music of John Cage or Steve Reich, but with an added dose of emotion. They quickly gained a cult following among the youth of Carlisle, and took to performing many impromptu performances in local parks and woodland clearings. It was during one of these performances in the summer of 1982 that Templeton discovered a guitar discarded in a hedgerow, and was delighted to discover he could emulate the dying screams of burning mammals with uncanny accuracy. Cunges and Grundy immediately latched onto the idea of forming a 'glower trio', and scoured the nearby countryside in a search for their respective instruments - 12 months later, after some excruciating searching, the line-up was complete.

The Listerine Dragons early concerts were ramshackle and controversial affairs - they were never happy with the idea of losing animal torture from their repertoire, so their minimal 1 chord punk stylings were peppered with bizarre mammalian percussion from Grundy, who was often so hard to control that their concerts were known for lasting for anything up to 5 hours. It was this intensity and unpredictability that gave them a vital edge, but also proved to be their downfall - no one knew more than they did that their music would never translate into recorded format.

Their sole excursion on vinyl came with a version of live favourite "Bumbria", where they list everything they dislike about their home county with startling menace. 5,000 7" singles were pressed, only to be commandeered by Cunges and, rather predictably seeing as this was what they known for, burned in a field. Happily, Cunges recorded the entire bonfire, and the result was the triple gatefold vinyl "Bugger Bumbria (redux)", which was pressed in a limited edition of 27 copies. This garnered a small degree of national press coverage at the time, which was sharply curbed when Cunges told reporters that he'd "planned it all along you cunt". Copies of the album change hands for nearly 2 figures among collectors.

Due to their animosity towards any kind of physical playback mechanism, they are cruelly overlooked when it comes to compiling a list of seminal 80s bands. However, they are probably remembered best for the moving, if slightly controversial anti-war song "Lockheed-Martin Spazzed My Dripper" - a terrifying 2 hour odyssey of wailing, feedback and fluids, relating the story of a US pilot who can only achieve an erection and climax while bombing third world orphans of a different ethnicity to his own. After failing to find a willing partner to release this, or indeed anything further by them, they took to performing their magnum opus in person in various public locations around Carlisle, before splitting up later in the year due to musical differences and personality similarities. No one has come close to replicating their sound since.