Amazon #47: 1421:The Year China Discovered the World

3 stars - link

I very rarely write serious, impassioned, insightful and genuinely critical reviews on amazon, and I'm not about to start now.

This book is really silly.

Amazon #46: Draw Your Own Manga: All the Basics

5 stars - link

1) Step one is the hardest step of all - be sure to an only child, and the offspring of itinerant HGV driver and the village outcast. Ideally, you will only have a cursory interest in both receiving and delivering the spoken word.

2) Hang around working quarries, waste depots and the like without wearing safety goggles - some kind of eye disease is vital.

3) Do not have an eye for details - if you possess one, discard it like you dispose of a mars bar wrapper while indulging your 30-a-day habit.

4) Sniff heroic amounts of glue between the ages of seven and forty three.

5) While sketching your first attempts at creating a manga masterpiece... a mangapiece, if you will - do it in the rain to get that authentic manga look (if the wind is above 30 MPH, all the better).

6) If the storyline is too linear, rearrange the pages and turn some of them upside down.

7) Most modern mangas that have been heard of outside the author's family have a rape scene of some kind. Just sayin'.

8) Publishing houses are stuck in the 18th century - all successful and original manga is distributed online (in much the same way as the music industry - if a musician releases his material solely online, it's regarded as the pinnacle of achievement by his peers.)

9) Don't dwell too long on the material - there's a reason why most manga looks like it was tossed off in a matter of minutes (ie, it was).

10) And finally - do not be put off by the sneering and derisory attitude of 'the world' as you paste pages of your mangapiece around areas of your local parish. Time will either vindicate you, or forget all about you.

Amazon #45: Status Quo - Pictures: 40 Years of Hits

5 stars - link


An overdue anthology from the massively influential Catford band, cited as an influence by such modern luminaries as Devendra Banhart, Kate Bush, and frequently named as the favourite band of indie-pop lightweight Martin Carr to anyone who'll listen (which is now into double figures).

This collection does it's best to convey the wide range of experimental styles they've dabbled in throughout the years - the proto-Stooges rumble of 'Paper Plane', the Reichian minimalisms of 'Rockin' All Over the World' - and the apocalyptic boogie woogie stylings of songs such as 'Marguerita Time' owe a huge debt to player piano innovator Conlon Nancarrow.

The heavy hitting Pilger-like commentary of 'In the Army Now' has lost none of it's effect over time, and is a timely reminder of our brave troops serving in some foreign place, and the subversive take on gender politics of 'Don't Drive My Car' has become an unlikely theme song for many left-wing feminist movements.

With such a daunting and impenetrable discography, it's often been hard for the newcomer to appreciate where to begin with a band like Status Quo, and the elitist attitude of their hardcore fanbase is also daunting (who often yell "we give QUO QUARTER" at gig goers who don't know the lyrics to obscure b-sides by the Quo's 60's incarnation). Happily, this introduction will give these misunderstood underachievers a fresh perspective in a post-9/11 world.

Amazon #44: Plum Products 10-Foot Trampoline and Enclosure

5 stars - link pending (but probably won't be approved)

I'll level with you because you're honest consumers, but I actually came across this product as I couldn't find any decent portable containment facilities, aka 'punishment parks' for disciplining vagrants, burglars, my children and also the children of others. I thought that maybe this ten foot trampoline could suffice, but was a little worried as everyone I know only has two feet.

I digress, and amusingly so! What was once a decent enough trampoline, is now a solid, impenetrable fortress. It's amazing what you can do when you remove a few springs, and add some barbed wire and a little electricity. The kids don't like it much, but that's sort of the point - when they start attending school, the discipline I'm instilling will stand them in good stead.

Amazon #43: The Sun Guide to the 2010 World Cup

5 stars - link

Lucy, 22, a part-time hairdresser from Dulwich says:
"I always look forward to the world cup, because the Sun really comes into it's own as a man's newspaper: for men, by men, to men. This guide carries on their usual excellent work, but it's a shame that so many foreign countries get to take part. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for."

Denise, 19, a part-time student from Wycombe says:
"I love the World Cup, and the Sun's excellent coverage really make it more manageable for a girl like me to know what's going on. When I can tear it away from my man that is! Although it's disappointing so many people who aren't English speakers are allowed to take part. It's political correctness gone mad."

Rupert, 79, a media tycoon from Melbourne says:
"The Sun's coverage on any subject is unsurpassed; the World Cup is no exception. It's a shame that so many unpronouncable, unspellable and unspeakable countries and players are allowed to take part as it makes things so much harder for us to write about. It's broken Britain in practice: I've been assured Mr Cameron will change things in time for the 2014 World Cup, so we can make Britain great. Er, again."

Amazon #42: Ciroa Miniamo Wire Cupcake Tree

5 stars - link (TBC)

While this is sturdy, reliable, exciting, decorative and is easing the pain of the days leading up to the general election, there's one problem - where on earth do you get wire cupcakes? My attempts at baking them were nothing short of disastrous, and when I asked the man at Waitrose about it he was very rude to me.

Can anyone help?!? Also, how are they eaten? Do I need wire teeth?

ps - it really does look like a tree doesn't it! Amazing artisanship.

Amazon overload?

All the posts I've done here for ages have been amazon reviews. Does anyone miss me writing about other stuff? If you'd like to see me carry on some other noble traditions that this blog has given up on (ie, trying to be funny about whatever's on my mind at any given time), then write "yes please" or something in the comments.

However, if you have strong feelings against this, or are generally totally indifferent to me and my actions, then carry on ignoring me like you always do and proceed with your day. I just hope something of medium weight falls on you - not heavy enough to kill you, but heavy enough to make you think about what you're doing to me.

Amazon #41: Terminator 1-4 (4-Disc Set)

5 stars - link

I don't know where to begin with these shocking travesties of film-making. It was bought for me as an easter gift from my first wife, and I can only suggest that she did it as a cruel sabotage of my mental well being.

I mean - it's such an unrealistic principle for a film. Killer robots, going around shooting guns at people - and occasionally even other robots! Has anyone here ever seen such a thing? I find it totally irresponsible to fill people's heads with such nonsense. It encourages people to live in some kind of fantasy farm world, where violence is ok and robots are either to be feared, or respected, laughed at, or brought into the family - depending which abortion of a film you decide to watch first.

I have to admit, the films do get better as they proceed - the 4th one is even sort of exciting as it's got Batman from American Psycho in it. So if you insist on watching these, my advice would be to do it in reverse order - but don't bother with the first one as it's from the 80s and looks really cheap (although it does have the man from K2 in it).

As I've said before, I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash. However; the packaging is exemplary, and it arrived within 7 days of ordering so 5 stars.

Amazon #40: Child Donkey Costume - Size Medium

5 stars - link (REJECTED BY AMAZON)

I like this costume for 2 reasons - one) with a little imagination you can apply it to all major Christian / Secular holidays; and b) it's genuinely terrifying, much like the Dummy portrayed in the eponymous episode of Nigel Kneale's Beasts.

Obviously, it's most apt for Christmas; who doesn't know of the little donkey galloping towards Bethlehem with a heavily pregnant Mary on it's back, desperately trying to make it before the wandering star gets there and the stable closes for the holidays. It's also applicable for Easter, with some slight tweaks to the tale as told - in my version, it's a Roman donkey that nails Christ to the cross (see also Lindt bunnies: they can resemble donkeys with some strategic shattering on the head and torso).

Also, on May Day a donkey is sacrificed inside a larger makeshift 'Wicker Donkey', much to the children's delight. On Halloween it makes an appearance as the aforementioned Dummy as a tribute to Nigel Kneale, swiftly followed by an appearance on bonfire night as Guy's Ass. Then before you know it, Christmas has arrived again and the whole sorry cycle of forced jollity continues.

My holiday cynicism aside; this costume is a lot of fun, highly durable and tremendous value - although it has no real educational value, as if you want to learn anything about donkey anatomy from this then frankly, you're braying up the wrong haystack or whatever the hell it is donkeys do to express frustration at others.

Amazon #39: Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses

5 stars - link

Sunglasses! What are they all about? Can anyone wear them? What are they for? Why are they for? Exactly, no-one really knows...

Originally invented to infiltrate Panda country by Tibetan guerillas in 927 AD, they've come a long way to the snazzy designer specs that are currently on the market - y'know, the kind that astronauts might wear. Woah!

Throughout European history, sunglasses fetishists have been pilloried and abused by the ignorant peasant masses. This came to a head in 1283, when the Vatican announced a mass purge of anyone suspected by the catholic church of being a speccy. Bejesus!

While with no real historical connection to protestantism per se, the sheer hatred felt by the Catholics towards sunglasses meant that Martin Luther was often seen sporting a pair, just to wind them up. For the next few centuries, sunglasses were intrinsically linked with the protestant movement - the older reader may remember some footage of a chapel on the outskirts of Portsmouth in 1920 that shows this. Really wild!

In modern times, sunglasses were introduced the British public by Bono as part of his many philanthropic enterprises he always goes on about - he in turn took the idea from watching an old Hume Cronyn film where he was seen sporting a pair of ray-bans. One love!

Anyway, these Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses are pretty good as far as sunglasses go.

Amazon #38: Jigsaw of a portrait of Ryan Shawcross at the annual club photocall at Carrington... from Manchester United

5 stars - link

I was initially quite impressed with this jigsaw - I found it sturdy, solid and dependable, and a good prospect for the future - both in my house and further afield. But worryingly, I began to notice it had a tendency to lunge at other jigsaws in my collection. I first noticed this when I took it on holiday to Belgium, to get some experience and to attune myself to it's idiosyncrasies. It was a small price to pay though, as I found the jigsaw to be sturdy, solid and dependable.

I soon discovered that these tendencies were getting more and more out of control, despite his sturdy, solid and dependable nature - it took me 3 months to finish off my Francis Jeffers jigsaw after he jumped in. It went for my Adebayor jigsaw when he wasn't even on the table at the time - and when he lunged at my Aaron Ramsey jigsaw, the pieces went flying everywhere... I can't see me finishing that one for a while (I've never seen my Sol Campbell jigsaw look so furious).

Sociopathically violent tendencies aside, and considering he also has a face only a smotherer could love, I've found that the Shawcross jigsaw is sturdy, solid and dependable - I also need to add 'committed' to that list; because ultimately, despite all the shattered limbs, broken noses and unrepentant declarations; he's just not that kind of jigsaw.

Amazon #37: Cars [DVD]

2 stars - link

My three year old loved what I let him watch of this film - however, I found it deeply confusing. I mean, maybe I'm missing the point, but a whole film of talking cars? Is this really what we want to show to our children?

I have to admit, I turned it off after an hour and a half as I was worried that my son was taking it too much to heart - I wonder how much it would weigh on Pixar's 'conscience' if my son decided to make friends with the speeding cars that go past our house? Exactly. Maybe I'm being overly protective, but he'll thank me when he's older hopefully. (Also, Jeremy Clarkson's cameo eradicated any respect I previously had for the man.)

However, it gains a bonus point for what is clearly Paul Newman's role of a lifetime - hopefully it turned out OK for his character in the end.

Amazon #36: Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World by Samuel Cameron

5 stars - link

I would like to describe this book as invaluable, but only time (and reviews) could really tell if it is or not. I used the predictive tool outlined in chapter 17 ("What will become of your lonely soul: Avoiding a decrepit future for you and your purchased children"), which aims to point out what your future love life will be if you continue life along the same path that you're currently doing. The generated results were mildly curious:

27% probability: You will never find anyone who loves you, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
19% probability: You will find a partner in the next 5 years - you will stay together for 10 years and then break up, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
16% probability: There is a good chance that you will find a partner for life, but you will have to move to an area that could be more tolerable of your deeply unlikeable nature, such as Tredegar, Dudley or Minsk.
13% probability: You have already made a love connection, and the fact that you need statistics to find out the possibility of finding a better partner means you are a deeply unlikeable person.
12% probability: You are genuinely despicable and I would appreciate you returning this book for a refund.
11% probability: You are too much in love with yourself to care about loving anyone else, and you are a deeply unlikeable person.
2% probability: You are a nice person if you dig very deep down indeed, but your cause is generally not helped by speaking.

I have to award this book 5 stars for the remarkable prescience. It gives me no pleasure to do so, but it must be done.

Amazon #35: Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America by Chuck Norris

4 stars - link

Charles Xavier Norris sets out his dystopian vision of a nightmare future in the U of S of A, in this frankly flimsy excuse for a pamphlet. His tendency to refer to himself in the third person is offputting and needless, and his seemingly endless wittering about how he developed his political views through the storylines of 'Walker, Texas Ranger' is beyond interminable. Even worse, the aforementioned political views actually seem to be copied from the wikipedia entry of 'USA in the 50s', but with a higher ratio of misspelt words.

I've never seen desperate flailing come across in written form before, and combined with his limited vocabulary, confused rhetoric and inability to grasp even the basics of primary school physics renders reading this book akin to watching Fearne Cotton attempt a gold run.

4 stars.

Amazon #34: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 5 - Five Gold Rings

5 stars - link

While this book is not just for completists, it does have them all - Spitz, Zatopek, Bubka, Jackson, Christie, Akabusi, Gorokhovskaya, Biondi, Boardman, Klammer, Garrett, Spyridon Louis, Alfréd Hajós, Onishchenko (cheater), Dorando Pietri, Francisco Lázaro, Klassen, Regis, Schemansky, Taro Aso, Seb Coe, Pendleton, Olizarenko, Selassie, Allan Wells, Miruts Yifter and that Christian triple jumper whose name escapes me for the moment.

Amazon #33: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 4.

5 stars - link

I bought this CD for my wife last year, as part of a grand scheme to recreate the 12 days of Christmas - this CD was supposed to represent the Four Calling Birds. This didn't go down too well, as my wife doesn't suffer fools gladly, and also has an IQ in triple figures (I know, we're not well matched).

I have to say, if the original Christmas song featured the line 'Four Wailing Bints' then it would be much nearer the mark. However, to quote alt-indie poetmeister DC Berman, 'all my favourite singers couldn't sing', so I'm actually well disposed to this slice of 90s disposable culture. Their version of Under the Bridge far surpasses the awful original, and their massive single 'Pure Shores' gave some much needed credibility to that dreadful film 'The Beach' (along with the casting of Paterson Joseph). It's a shame they're no longer together, but I'm still holding out hope for another reunion when they need some cash.

Anyway, in case your wondering I seriously had to grovel for my wife to take me back - happily, day five's book of Olympian heroes more than fixed things, until the leaping peers turned up.

Five stars - best record of the Naughties (Scottish pronunciation).

Amazon #32: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 3.

5 stars - link

A wonderful example of a teenage guide to absurdist angst, this tale relates the struggles of Christophe, Serge and Jean-Claude as they search for meaning in their existence... which is resolved as they discover it's only to facilitate the song that they've helped make famous. Without them in between the two turtle doves and the four calling birds, the whole thing would descend into an avian farce before the calming influence of the five gold rings appears - clearly a metaphor for the Olympian ideal.

I thought this might be a little over the head of my three year old, but he loved it. Proof that you don't need sex, violence or vampires to engage the mind of today's youth.

Amazon #31: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 2.

5 stars - link

While phenomenally exquisite and massively classy, it's an outrageous achievement that these little crystal creatures somehow manage to display massive warmth to us, the admirers (please remember they're made of hardened mineral, and are not toys).

What do you suppose these gold beaked aviators are thinking? Are they aware of the hustle and bustle that their appearance as a duo will undoubtedly create? Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Leaving such deep existentialist thoughts aside, I really really like these and think they are really really nice.

(Swarovski can't be blamed for the astonishing reaction displayed by my wife on opening this as a gift on Christmas morn - comments such as "where did you get the money for this?" and "why am I washing my hair in fairy liquid while you're down William Hill waiting for them to weigh in at Aintree?" are, frankly, irrelevant).

Amazon #30: The 12 reviews of Christmas, part 1.

5 stars - link

Well, does anything really say Christmas more than this tribute to the famous song, featuring flora and fauna living together in perfect harmony.

Here we see Mr Partridge lurking around with unknown motives, in his friend the pear tree. I suspect he's thinking of the photo opportunity, but lord knows - we all need to take these chances when they come along (my wife suspects the tree is also aware of the jovial happenstance, but she doesn't known as much about vegetables as I do).

Please note the print is available in different sizes, so is suitable for different kinds of wall surface areas throughout the world.

The Definitive Premier MUSIC LIST 2009.

Jesus Christ, is it that time of year again? I believe it is! The definitive top ten records of 2009 list is coming at you, right now, below this frankly irrelevant introductory blurb which still needs to be here for some reason.

And what a year it's been! We've seen someone unknown and utterly shit win some kind of award, the continued and baffling rise of Lady HawHaw, and the biggest news event of the decade bar NONE - the death of Sir Michael Jackson, king of unproven paedophilia (or 'pop' as the tabloids call it). So great was it's effect that the people of Iran put down their primitive weapons and joined hands in mourning for the great man (at least, that's what I could gather from the news coverage).

On a personal note, the year wasn't so good - 1) I lost my cushy graphic design job, 2) my wife left me but sadly returned after a few glorious months and 3) I needed to vacate London for somewhere more secure, with far fewer people or police around (see point 1).

Anyway, looking back on last year's list, I can't believe how naive some of my choices were! Did I really include Miws and Terence in my top 10? Thankfully, Marmoset and Kevin Davies justified inclusion by following up on the initial promise (and I'm afraid I can't comment on Michaels Erikson's situation until the court case is resolved).

Without further anything, onto the list... gosh, this is utterly exciting or something...


1. Slush Fund - Powerviolence

I thought grindcore had died out pretty soon after Napalm Death ill-advisedly birthed it as a reaction to Thatcher's brutal reign; but then along came Slush Fund! With powerful and violent drumming offsetting the powerful and violent guitars, which work incredibly well with the violently powerful cello section that set this band apart from it's non-existent contemporaries... and in a genre known for it's brevity, the 12 minutes long works out were a breathe of fresh air to this obstinate writer.


2. The zz - DVD-RW+

Great new young-pup-electro-indie band from somewhere in London that everyone else seems to like, hence their inclusion here. I nearly remembered one of their songs just then, but the moment has gone.


3. McManamanara - Hibiscus Now!

I know, the inclusion of the controversial US band could raise some eyebrows... but leaving aside the fierce right wing rhetoric, the calls for involuntary repatriation for anyone who disagrees with them (which includes a high majority of US nationals) and the declaration that bearing arms should be mandatory, on this record you could find a solid rhythm section and some great singing from Hank Exocet. Sadly, their reputation never recovered after Exocet was outed as a South African pre-op transgender person, but at least he/she/it seems to have settled down a bit.


4. Andrew Chesterfield - Left at the Lights

Gnu-acoustic newcomer Chesterfield popped up from nowhere to take the BBC Radio Lincolnshire North 'Best newcomer under the age of 16' prize at their inaugural folk awards last year - before he was stripped of the title early this year as his real age was revealed to be 34. No matter - Left at the Lights is a wonderful record, full of fuzzy banjos, croonsome strings, maudling mandolins and yet further fuzzy banjos. While there was an occasional misstep to be heard, the heart-rending version of Atari Teenage Riot's 'Get Up While You Can' was not among them.

5. Critter Congregation - At Play With...

Breakthrough record for the Canadian psychedelic sextant, and considering it's their 48th release it's not before time... and yet their average age is still only 28! (which includes 72 year old theremin virtuoso Solomon Penski, which gives you no idea where they're coming from). In a year otherwise dominated by thrash or generally downbeat indie-folk hybrids, the playful melodic stupid irritability of tracks such as 'Rainbow Troops' and 'I've Got John's Trousers' were a welcome breath of fresh air, provided the air was secretly contaminated with LSD and asbestos.




6. Whiny Rachel - The Cold Dark Night of the Mole

It's a shame that the backstory of the record has outshone the music contained herein, but never mind. Rachel Williams early career was full of promise, and she soon signed to big money indie label ShankDitch - right at the same time that label head and professional prick Jeffsy Conraad laid off two thirds of the workforce. A heroic graphic designer, unhappy at how he'd been treated, then subtly altered the titles to a number of releases before sending the completed art to the manufacturer; whenceupon Rachel Williams was rebirthed as Whiny Rachel, and by this point it was far too late to do anything about it. (see also how dubstep superstar D-Scale became simply D-Twat, and indie tykes The Gloryfields became Bunch o' Cockrags).

Luckily, Rachel's music is far too superior to suffer at the hands of any sabotage (no matter how well thought out and brilliantly done), with the record sounding like Nick Drake would if he was a teenage woman, played the banjo, and was still alive. I suspect that the wronged designer regrets affecting an album this good, but I also suspect he was at the end of his tether and wanted to hurt is former employers rather than Rachel. I'm also sure he'd apologise to her if he could, but certainly not to the label or that twat Conraad, who is also a prick.


7. Llywellyn and the Llywellyns  - Idiot Son of Donkey Kong

While I've never been a fan of the rock opera, I will make an exception for this young North Walian outfit. Coup doesn't really describe the casting masterstroke of Michael Sheen in the role of a lifetime - Julian Cope. Like the man himself, this is a hugely ambitious, occasionally confused but always blistering piece of work that I can scarcely believe actually exists. My one gripe - apart from the title, there is no reference to anything he did outside of his Brain Donor project. I seriously cannot wait for the 3D re-release next year...

8. Georg Von Hoffenheim - Ethereality

While a lot of loop process music is infinitely dull and is only listened to by aloof hipsters, curious knobheads or the mentally deranged, I found myself really liking this record. The Austrian ex-pat weaves an almost musical montage out of such found sounds as a kettle coming to the boil, builders working on site and a train going over a river. Sadly, Von Hoffenheim hasn't seen a penny of royalties due to a contentious lawsuit brought on by the aforementioned builders.


9. Anonymous - Untitled

While widely pilloried for being some of the most unpleasant people since Francois Duvalier's reign of terror, the math-glitch sound of this American duo is phenomenally ahead of it's time, and probably even ahead of the time they'll have in the future. Like a Fuck Buttons with more than one song, a Silver Apples that isn't old fashioned and irrelevant, and a Suicide that isn't unlistenable (well, half the time), Anonymous make a lot of people utterly furious, but they make me happy - ultimately, this is what matters most. Sadly, like Georg Von Hoffenheim, Anonymous also haven't seen a penny of royalties, but it's down to the fact that they've sold fuck all copies.


10. ??????? - ???????

Traditionally, I've kept the number 10 spot blank - my reasoning being that it's impossible to accurately pin down a perfect list of 10, so the last spot could rotate and change on any given day, depending on the mood of the world. This year however, is slightly different - the number 10 spot is blank because there were only 9 good records released this year. I've tried finding another record that was any good, but trust me - there isn't one. Everything else was either a little bit shit, or a massive skip full of shit with a CD attached.


REISSUE OF THE YEAR: Plutocrat - The Collected Woks of...

A wonderful posthumous anthology from the much-loved stalwart of the Hartlepool street music scene... The entire world was astonished to discover he was actually the missing Clotworthy Nigel Simone Barkus Barkus Skeffington, 9th Earl of Merthyr. He disappeared while serving his national service in the early 1950s in Sri Lanka, and as we now know he returned early in 1963 with dysentery, hepatitis, and a sitar. He travelled the UK plying his uniquely melodic trade with characteristic eccentricity, and was taken in by the good people of Hartlepool, as he looked like a monkey that had been on the gallows for a couple of years, provided the gallows was also in the sea. The rest is a kind of history.


PREDICTIONS FOR 2010:
I think 2010 will bring many changes, including USA's first black president. I also predict that temperatures will rise gradually throughout the first 7 months of next year, before tailing off afterwards - interestingly, I believe that only people in the northern hemisphere will be affected.


HERO OF THE YEAR:
Me, for facing horrifying adversity and surviving like a champ.


VILLAIN OF THE YEAR:
Jeffsy Conraad. What an utter bulb that man is.