Amazon #44: Plum Products 10-Foot Trampoline and Enclosure

5 stars - link pending (but probably won't be approved)

I'll level with you because you're honest consumers, but I actually came across this product as I couldn't find any decent portable containment facilities, aka 'punishment parks' for disciplining vagrants, burglars, my children and also the children of others. I thought that maybe this ten foot trampoline could suffice, but was a little worried as everyone I know only has two feet.

I digress, and amusingly so! What was once a decent enough trampoline, is now a solid, impenetrable fortress. It's amazing what you can do when you remove a few springs, and add some barbed wire and a little electricity. The kids don't like it much, but that's sort of the point - when they start attending school, the discipline I'm instilling will stand them in good stead.

Amazon #43: The Sun Guide to the 2010 World Cup

5 stars - link

Lucy, 22, a part-time hairdresser from Dulwich says:
"I always look forward to the world cup, because the Sun really comes into it's own as a man's newspaper: for men, by men, to men. This guide carries on their usual excellent work, but it's a shame that so many foreign countries get to take part. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for."

Denise, 19, a part-time student from Wycombe says:
"I love the World Cup, and the Sun's excellent coverage really make it more manageable for a girl like me to know what's going on. When I can tear it away from my man that is! Although it's disappointing so many people who aren't English speakers are allowed to take part. It's political correctness gone mad."

Rupert, 79, a media tycoon from Melbourne says:
"The Sun's coverage on any subject is unsurpassed; the World Cup is no exception. It's a shame that so many unpronouncable, unspellable and unspeakable countries and players are allowed to take part as it makes things so much harder for us to write about. It's broken Britain in practice: I've been assured Mr Cameron will change things in time for the 2014 World Cup, so we can make Britain great. Er, again."

Amazon #42: Ciroa Miniamo Wire Cupcake Tree

5 stars - link (TBC)

While this is sturdy, reliable, exciting, decorative and is easing the pain of the days leading up to the general election, there's one problem - where on earth do you get wire cupcakes? My attempts at baking them were nothing short of disastrous, and when I asked the man at Waitrose about it he was very rude to me.

Can anyone help?!? Also, how are they eaten? Do I need wire teeth?

ps - it really does look like a tree doesn't it! Amazing artisanship.

Amazon overload?

All the posts I've done here for ages have been amazon reviews. Does anyone miss me writing about other stuff? If you'd like to see me carry on some other noble traditions that this blog has given up on (ie, trying to be funny about whatever's on my mind at any given time), then write "yes please" or something in the comments.

However, if you have strong feelings against this, or are generally totally indifferent to me and my actions, then carry on ignoring me like you always do and proceed with your day. I just hope something of medium weight falls on you - not heavy enough to kill you, but heavy enough to make you think about what you're doing to me.

Amazon #41: Terminator 1-4 (4-Disc Set)

5 stars - link

I don't know where to begin with these shocking travesties of film-making. It was bought for me as an easter gift from my first wife, and I can only suggest that she did it as a cruel sabotage of my mental well being.

I mean - it's such an unrealistic principle for a film. Killer robots, going around shooting guns at people - and occasionally even other robots! Has anyone here ever seen such a thing? I find it totally irresponsible to fill people's heads with such nonsense. It encourages people to live in some kind of fantasy farm world, where violence is ok and robots are either to be feared, or respected, laughed at, or brought into the family - depending which abortion of a film you decide to watch first.

I have to admit, the films do get better as they proceed - the 4th one is even sort of exciting as it's got Batman from American Psycho in it. So if you insist on watching these, my advice would be to do it in reverse order - but don't bother with the first one as it's from the 80s and looks really cheap (although it does have the man from K2 in it).

As I've said before, I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash. However; the packaging is exemplary, and it arrived within 7 days of ordering so 5 stars.

Amazon #40: Child Donkey Costume - Size Medium

5 stars - link (REJECTED BY AMAZON)

I like this costume for 2 reasons - one) with a little imagination you can apply it to all major Christian / Secular holidays; and b) it's genuinely terrifying, much like the Dummy portrayed in the eponymous episode of Nigel Kneale's Beasts.

Obviously, it's most apt for Christmas; who doesn't know of the little donkey galloping towards Bethlehem with a heavily pregnant Mary on it's back, desperately trying to make it before the wandering star gets there and the stable closes for the holidays. It's also applicable for Easter, with some slight tweaks to the tale as told - in my version, it's a Roman donkey that nails Christ to the cross (see also Lindt bunnies: they can resemble donkeys with some strategic shattering on the head and torso).

Also, on May Day a donkey is sacrificed inside a larger makeshift 'Wicker Donkey', much to the children's delight. On Halloween it makes an appearance as the aforementioned Dummy as a tribute to Nigel Kneale, swiftly followed by an appearance on bonfire night as Guy's Ass. Then before you know it, Christmas has arrived again and the whole sorry cycle of forced jollity continues.

My holiday cynicism aside; this costume is a lot of fun, highly durable and tremendous value - although it has no real educational value, as if you want to learn anything about donkey anatomy from this then frankly, you're braying up the wrong haystack or whatever the hell it is donkeys do to express frustration at others.

Amazon #39: Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses

5 stars - link

Sunglasses! What are they all about? Can anyone wear them? What are they for? Why are they for? Exactly, no-one really knows...

Originally invented to infiltrate Panda country by Tibetan guerillas in 927 AD, they've come a long way to the snazzy designer specs that are currently on the market - y'know, the kind that astronauts might wear. Woah!

Throughout European history, sunglasses fetishists have been pilloried and abused by the ignorant peasant masses. This came to a head in 1283, when the Vatican announced a mass purge of anyone suspected by the catholic church of being a speccy. Bejesus!

While with no real historical connection to protestantism per se, the sheer hatred felt by the Catholics towards sunglasses meant that Martin Luther was often seen sporting a pair, just to wind them up. For the next few centuries, sunglasses were intrinsically linked with the protestant movement - the older reader may remember some footage of a chapel on the outskirts of Portsmouth in 1920 that shows this. Really wild!

In modern times, sunglasses were introduced the British public by Bono as part of his many philanthropic enterprises he always goes on about - he in turn took the idea from watching an old Hume Cronyn film where he was seen sporting a pair of ray-bans. One love!

Anyway, these Fiorelli Round I Trim Handmade Sunglasses are pretty good as far as sunglasses go.

Amazon #38: Jigsaw of a portrait of Ryan Shawcross at the annual club photocall at Carrington... from Manchester United

5 stars - link

I was initially quite impressed with this jigsaw - I found it sturdy, solid and dependable, and a good prospect for the future - both in my house and further afield. But worryingly, I began to notice it had a tendency to lunge at other jigsaws in my collection. I first noticed this when I took it on holiday to Belgium, to get some experience and to attune myself to it's idiosyncrasies. It was a small price to pay though, as I found the jigsaw to be sturdy, solid and dependable.

I soon discovered that these tendencies were getting more and more out of control, despite his sturdy, solid and dependable nature - it took me 3 months to finish off my Francis Jeffers jigsaw after he jumped in. It went for my Adebayor jigsaw when he wasn't even on the table at the time - and when he lunged at my Aaron Ramsey jigsaw, the pieces went flying everywhere... I can't see me finishing that one for a while (I've never seen my Sol Campbell jigsaw look so furious).

Sociopathically violent tendencies aside, and considering he also has a face only a smotherer could love, I've found that the Shawcross jigsaw is sturdy, solid and dependable - I also need to add 'committed' to that list; because ultimately, despite all the shattered limbs, broken noses and unrepentant declarations; he's just not that kind of jigsaw.

Amazon #37: Cars [DVD]

2 stars - link

My three year old loved what I let him watch of this film - however, I found it deeply confusing. I mean, maybe I'm missing the point, but a whole film of talking cars? Is this really what we want to show to our children?

I have to admit, I turned it off after an hour and a half as I was worried that my son was taking it too much to heart - I wonder how much it would weigh on Pixar's 'conscience' if my son decided to make friends with the speeding cars that go past our house? Exactly. Maybe I'm being overly protective, but he'll thank me when he's older hopefully. (Also, Jeremy Clarkson's cameo eradicated any respect I previously had for the man.)

However, it gains a bonus point for what is clearly Paul Newman's role of a lifetime - hopefully it turned out OK for his character in the end.

Amazon #36: Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World Playing the Love Market: Dating, Romance and the Real World by Samuel Cameron

5 stars - link

I would like to describe this book as invaluable, but only time (and reviews) could really tell if it is or not. I used the predictive tool outlined in chapter 17 ("What will become of your lonely soul: Avoiding a decrepit future for you and your purchased children"), which aims to point out what your future love life will be if you continue life along the same path that you're currently doing. The generated results were mildly curious:

27% probability: You will never find anyone who loves you, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
19% probability: You will find a partner in the next 5 years - you will stay together for 10 years and then break up, as you are a deeply unlikeable person.
16% probability: There is a good chance that you will find a partner for life, but you will have to move to an area that could be more tolerable of your deeply unlikeable nature, such as Tredegar, Dudley or Minsk.
13% probability: You have already made a love connection, and the fact that you need statistics to find out the possibility of finding a better partner means you are a deeply unlikeable person.
12% probability: You are genuinely despicable and I would appreciate you returning this book for a refund.
11% probability: You are too much in love with yourself to care about loving anyone else, and you are a deeply unlikeable person.
2% probability: You are a nice person if you dig very deep down indeed, but your cause is generally not helped by speaking.

I have to award this book 5 stars for the remarkable prescience. It gives me no pleasure to do so, but it must be done.