Amazon #2a: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy - STUPIDITY UPDATE

I've just about learned to live with all the stupidity in the world - when I was younger, stupidity was my enemy, along with the people who I considered stupid, and it made me genuinely angry. But with a bit of age, maturity, and the occasional ill-tempered beating, I've finally understood that stupidity is inescapable - we're all capable of it at various times, and as long we can understand and appreciate that then I believe it to be more of a virtue than a curse. But even trying to identify stupidity in other people is a dangerous road to go down - an unavoidable byproduct of that is that you identify yourself as superior somehow, and elitism of that kind is still capable of making me REALLY angry. (that said, identifying and mocking stupidity is tremendous fun, and should be encouraged at all times - ladies and gentlemen, boneddigion a boneddigednigadi, I am walking hypocrisy.)

I digress - the number of comments my amazon review of Lord of the Rings has attracted is enough to make me despair of humanity all over again - these people are total fucking idiots, and I pity them so much that I even mock their grammar (which is dangerous for someone who uses commas as liberally as I do without, much of an understanding of where they should, actually go). I wouldn't mind so much, but I don't even think it was that subtle an attempt at humour... Anyway, here they are:

"Mr. S. N. Macpherson says:
do you comment on every film where something from fantasy was in it?

did u comment on the terminator movies and say that it is rubbish becuase you have never seen a robot fire a gun?

this movie was fantasy so dont say its bad because you have never seen an orc"

Have you seen Terminator 3? Utter cunge. I can say it's rubbish while giving any reason I choose.

"A. Seneviratne says:
You realy need to live a little.
you've probablry just put forward the worst argument in film history.
you don't dserve to write reviews."

Maybe not; but you sir, do not deserve hands.

"Mandy says:
I understand that everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but i honestly can't understand why you would watch a film well known to be a "fantasy" movie and then proclaim its plot to be ridiculous. Secondly, the characters that are featured in the book/film aren't an affront to your intelligence, they're just what the film's about, which would be why they are "endlessly paraded" in front of you. Why, if you know you think fantasy plots to be "ridiculous", would you watch all ten hours of the films and then complain about doing so? Philistine."

Mandy/Mandrew is notable for being the only person to have responded to my further 'comic' outbursts on amazon - I replied with: "Mandrew - I'd love to "reply" to your thoughtfully considered "comments", but I'm afraid that life is too "short". Canaanite". This resulted in:

Mandrew says: If life is too short, why waste ten hours of it watching something you don't like? "Jackass".

I was distraught with salty tears. What else could I say? Nothing but the truth: "That was mean and you made me cry."

So, I thought that was that. Between my attempts to lampoon the individuals involved, my friend Katy joining in the fun and with a few other people saying that they thought the review was funny, I really didn't think that anyone else could fall into the trap that I never intended to lay in the first place. My friends - I did a very dangerous and inadvisable thing. I overestimated the internet. Today, I found this:

"Buyer from UK says:

I don't know why people are bothering to argue with this narrow minded person. It's obvious he can't see past his own nose! If he wants to "waste his precious little life" and walk around with his eyes closed, let him! He obviously just doesn't get it and never will! Put it this way, there's always one isnt there?"

My response: "I wish. As the comments have proved - in this case, there are 4 and counting." Buyer from UK, the rapier-witted son of a gun countered with:

"Buyer from UK says:
It's not a case of comments. It's the content and "stupidity" of your comment, which is why "you" have 14 replies to it!"

My response: "MY COMMENT WAS NOT STUPID. I still fail to see why 10 hours of seriously far-too-extreme-fiction is hailed as a masterpiece, when it's something that my 3 year old could have drawn. I'd far prefer a 3 film treatment of the agonising dullness of the human condition, mainly conducted by arguing on the internet - you know, something with some relevance to our lives."

I would be incredibly surprised if another comment that took me seriously landed on that review - I think it has been put to bed now. But hey, I've been wrong before...

NB: My genuine opinion on Lord of the Rings - it's worth watching once, though I don't think it really stands up to repeat viewings... I don't care for it that much at all though. Even though the second film is the best, I think the whole trilogy seems to get worse as it goes along - the final hour is seriously excruciating. I was almost tempted to shit myself to try and relieve the tedium. I now regret that I didn't.

My case for why Wild by the Butterflies of Love is the best guitar pop song ever written.

I will keep this brief, I will simply list all the elements of why this is so so so great, and ticks every single box for what makes a great indie-pop* song. Just listen to it and agree with me.

The Butterflies of Love - Wild (MP3)

• Reverb and tremolo soaked guitar that sounds like it was recorded in a warehouse? Check.
• Dreamy ooh-aah backing vocals? Check.
• The imperfect yet so-so-so right lead vocal that sounds like a Neil Young imitation? Check.
• Lyrics vaguely dealing with love, but really you have no idea what he means? Check.
• A maximum cap of 4 chords in the whole song? Check.
• A swirling organ sound that sounds like it was recorded in an even bigger warehouse? Check.
  
• A slight breakdown in the middle, where nothing seems too different but when it kicks back in you KNOW that this song will be with you forever? Check.
• A bizarre, somehow inappropriate but yet totally fitting synth noise coming from nowhere and then immediately vanishing a few seconds after it begun? Check.
  
• The closing guitar and drum noise at the very end, that spells out "hey, we're in a band, we're in a room, so let's prove it"? Check.

I could listen to this song all day - I believe it to be perfect. It's catchy without being irritating, memorable without being cliched, it's just so..... right.


*I'm sorry for using that genre name. I'm no music journalist, and I don't work in Zavvi, so I have no need for genre names usually. Just bear with me on this...

Animal Facts#1: The Octopus

Fun Octopus facts! Some are more true than others! Did you know that...

• The Octopus is the only animal in the world with 8 knees?
• An Octopus invented the fountain pen! George Safford Parker was an octopus fanatic, and regularly discarded his failed fountain pen prototypes into their tanks. One day, he saw his favourite pet, Caesar the Cephalopod, filling the barrel with it's own ink, and George realised that this worked much better than his own ink concoction, which mainly consisted of water, gravel and sunlight.
• Live Octopus is considered a delicacy in South Korea? Bunch o' twats.
  
• The newly discovered 6-tentacled 'Hexapus' isn't a freaky Octopus at all! It's merely the latest hatchling from the Kraken's 5000 year breeding circle, and it indicates carnage, terror, pestilence for all ocean-dwelling men everywhere.
  
• Octopus wrestling was the most popular sport in the USA for a period of time in the 1960s, until it was declared unconstitutional and revealed as a communist ploy to steal US salt water by Republican senator Mark Hatfield?
  

Here we can see a young Dennis Wise, John Terry and Frank Lampard taking part in some recreational animal torture.

And now, for some non amazon content

And also because France have gone crashing out of Euro 2008, and I drew them in a sweepstake. They deserve to be mocked.

Amazon#17: The Karate Kid Part III (novelisation)

"Make his knuckles bleed"

Link - 5 stars.

John G. Avildsen's existentialist melodrama is given a surprisingly coherent treatment in this novelisation by B.B. Hiller - like all good novelisations, it's enough to make you doubt if the film really came first, or whether the film was an adapted screenplay of this dense, symbolist tome.

The third episode is far bleaker than the previous installments, and communicates this with ease. Here, there are no silky 'soccer' skills from Daniel-san - and no hilarious ice-smashing contest taking place in America's idea of what Okinawa should be like - they return to find their apartment complex being torn down, symbolising their return to a USA that is deformed, stark, and with an almost prophetic sense of the looming spectre of terrorism that will soon be visited upon it's shores and mountains.

The main difference in the book is the wealth of material on the character of Noel Gardner, surprisingly cut from the film itself - he is more deity than man, and his narrative takes up the first third of the book. It's him that's concerned about the way the world is heading, it's him that organises the repeat karate tournament, and he is responsible for giving Daniel-san a bye into the final for being a previous champion (incidentally, I've written to the FA about incorporating this into the FA Cup - I've had no reply so far) in a desperate attempt to halt the decline of Western civilisation that is symbolised so eloquently by Mike "The Bad Boy of Karate" Barnes. For some insane reason, he was not featured in the film, and is replaced by a bizarre love interest that seems to disappear without anyone noticing.

I believe that it's these bizarre ideas that has stopped this trilogy being recognised as a modern classic - and it so nearly could have been. However, because the novel gambles and succeeds, it is rightly regarded as a triumph.

Amazon#16: Kasabian

STOP THIS VILE FILTH!

Link - 1 star.

I was outraged - simply outraged - to discover that this band were named after Linda Kasabian, one of the murderers of Sharon Tate, and member of the Manson family. How dare these northern tykes pay tribute to someone of her monstrous calibre? They should be ashamed of themselves, and their parents, and their parents' parents.

I ask you, what is next? I bet some band will even name themselves 'Manson', and I also bet they'll be so uneducated that they can't even spell the word. Give me clean, wholesome bands like the Beach Boys any day, especially that delightful 20/20 album.

Amazon#15: The Wisdom of Donkeys

Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my donkey.

Link - 5 stars.

The subtitle of this book is "finding tranquility in a chaotic world". Well, I ascertain that if Mr Merrifield (if that really is his name) believes donkeys provide this, he has never ever seen a donkey. I will go further - he has never heard a donkey. He has never smelt a donkey. He has never touched a donkey. He may have tasted a donkey, but it's not for me to cast aspersions on a) his diet, and b) what he gets up to in the privacy of his own barn.

Take my two latest donkey aquisitions, Katy and Zoe - lordy lord lord, they give me a donkey shaped headache. Katy will not eat any donkey food, she will only eat Quorn cottage pies that have been cooked three times and then mildly warmed on a toaster. Zoe will also not eat any donkey food, but will happily eat anything else - grass, fencing, sunlight, masonry, buses, and on one fateful occasion she ate Prince Edward's antique gazebo (I swear we won't be invited back to another one of their garden parties...)

But then, compare them to the rest of my donkey menagerie. How do they fare against Sebastian? Edgar? Billy Sideways? Braying Simon? Jesus the donkey? MUCH better, because they're all boring idiots that give me a quiet life, which is absolutely what you don't want in the heady, exciting, anything-can-happen-and-then-get-eaten world of donkey ownership.

Tranquility? My ass.

ps - the book is good read it.

Amazon#14: Piece by Piece (Katie Melua)

The Melua the merrier.

Link - 5 stars.

A diabolically interesting first attempt at a sophomore record - my interest was piqued at hearing her on the wireless and has remained piqued for the previous 3 years hence. Simply what can be said of her voice? Seriously, what can you say? Well, I can say that I conclude that she has one and she most certainly is not afraid to use it, communicating the human condition with an almost Brechtian alacrity (as described by my world-weary osteopath, Dr Peter Wiggins).

Although the producer and writer of these songs is more famous for writing the theme tune to Richard 'rabbit-exterminator-in-real-life' Adams' 'Watership Down' ("A song about a rabbit, written by a Batt" - D. Winton), this is most certainly not a terrifying odyssey of some mammals moving to greener pastures. It's a bit more pleasant than that.

Amazon#13: Bradford Exchange Titanic : Queen of the Ocean Plate "On the Promenade"

James Cameron NOTHING.

Link - 4 stars.

So, it's taken a long time, but finally the 1,517 deaths have been justified - this plate screams out 'EMOTION' and 'TRAGEDY', and almost conveys the horror of what happened that fateful night.

The only way to make it a truly successful remembrance is to spell out 'IT GONE SUNKED' with alphabetti spaghetti, and then cry enough tears to wipe the plate clean.

Amazon#12: Cheers: Series One [1983]

Drinxploitation at it's worst.

Link - 2 stars.

I am a busy man and I will keep this brief.

Alcoholism is a very serious contagious disease, and I think the fact that shows like this 'Cheers' debacle even exist, and are happy to ridicule and make fun of this condition is a terrible slight on our 21st century culture. My dear old uncle Harry (God rest his bloated soul) was crippled and eventually succumbed to his love of Baileys, and if he was alive to witness this filth, he would turn in his grave and die all over again.

However, it achieves a bonus star simply for not being the disgraceful spin-off series 'Frasier', in which some doomed wretch decided it would be fine to make fun of the mentally ill. What's next? Is the next big American sitcom going to consist of a band of paraplegic mutes attempting to traverse an escalator? Sickening.

Amazon#11: All Creatures Great and Small - series 4 - volume 2 - the bull with the bowler hat/the pig man cometh

It's Christ Time!

Link - 5 stars.

I first encountered Christopher Timothy (or 'Christ Time' as I came to know him) while on a caving holiday in Yorkshire in the early 80s. We were assigned to the same team, and he was as knowledgeable and confident as I was green and terrified. He took me by the hand, and guided me expertly into the deep, dark, unseen crevices - it was quite an adventure, and we've remained firm friends ever since.

He obviously took me into his confidence, and he confessed to me he was planning some special horror editions of 'All Creatures...' - immediately, I was almost intrigued. He told me he'd developed some scripts that were quite a way off of James Herriot's source material - the first one was about a bull with a skill for finance that attempts to buy up the entire village to build a 100 metre wide road to nowhere. The second concerned a deformed piglet who is forced to walk on his hind legs, due to not being born with any fore legs - the villagers then embrace it as a new deity and form a new religion ("Pigianity"), until they're reminded by Peter Davidson, in a genuinely harrowing scene and career making speech, that it's merely an "unimpressive pig".

The reception at the time of airing was not good - it almost threatened to remove the show from the air entirely, such was the force of feeling from the nation. However, Christ Time's performance is phenomenal, as you can see he sincerely believes in the words he's uttering for the first time in his career (Peter Davidson gives it a good go, while Robert Hardy, as usual, looks peculiar, embarrassed, and more red than a human should be). However, he never truly recovered from the poor reception that his foray into script writing received - he stated his ambition to me numerous times on how he wished to be promoted to a televisual people vet, which was achieved when he won the lead role on TV's never-popular "Doctors".

Amazon#10: How to Break Bad News: A Guide for Health-Care Professionals

"Remember how your husband 'used to' love a good laugh?"

Link - 4 stars

Now, let me begin by telling you that I am not a health care professional - many of my patients would probably agree with that statement. But Rob "Fast" Buckman's guide breaks beyond the barriers of profession, class, gender, race and speed - bad news can now be broken with agility and grace to allcomers.

Here are just some of the bits of bad news I've broken since purchasing this book:

"On the bright side, I scraped most of it off. Do you have any acid bleach?"

"To be fair, he was very rude about Ash Ra Tempel, and he knows what I'm like when that happens."

"Let me put it this way - have you seen the film Misery?"

"She'll live, but have you stopped to ask yourself why?"

"It actually wasn't like that when I came in, though I did witness the whole thing and it was pretty impressive."

"RUN! RUN NOW!"

"I'm afraid it's a pigeon, and it will not be removed."

As you can see - invaluable. Lord only knows in what cack-handed way I would've dealt the truth blow prior to my research.

Sadly, it misses out on 5 stars due to the frankly catastrophic.... actually, I'd rather not say. Medical science dictates you'll be able to grow a new one within 40 years anyway, so enough of my wittering.

Amazon#9: Long sleeved shirt

It wrexed my life.

Link - 2 stars.

I bought this to attend a historic football kits fancy dress party - I was going as Wrexham 1897-1900, and while it was not a strict match it was certainly a decent approximation. However, the party occured during the same weekend as Wrexham were relegated out of the football league - needless to say I was not happy. I was a laughing stock for the rest of the evening, and due to my sensitive nature I was forced to leave early, along with Mansfield Town 1911-16. (Even Chesterfield 1892, Dunfermline Athletic and the mid-80s Crystal Palace shirts fared better than me - loathsome kits all, but at least those teams had the decency to get good results that weekend).

The shirt fits, and it is really quite nice and all, but..... the memories of pain will last a lifetime. Goodbye Wrexham, sadly I knew thee.

Amazon#8: An Extravagance of Donkeys

Donkey see, donkey do.,

Link - 5 stars.

Ahahahahaha, now this is more like it. Rabid amazonian fans of spiders would have read about my slight disappointment on Michael J. Roberts' "Spiders of Britain and Northern Europe (Collins Field Guide)". It was fine for what it was, but much like Jeanette Winterson taught us that oranges are not the only fruit, someone needs to pass on an urgent message to Mr Roberts that spiders are not the only mammal, and devoting so much time, energy and time to writing a field guide screams volumes about his personal life.

I have quite a library of donkey-related books - "Donkey: The Mystique of Equus Asinus", "Donkeys: Their Care and Management", "Downhill All the Way: Walking with Donkeys", "The Donkey Companion", "J.W.R. - A Donkey's Face" and "Looking After a Donkey (Donkeys)" are all part of my valuably insured collection. Donkeys have always struck me as the most socialist of animals - in comparison to the low key Thatcherism of tree frogs and the rabid Stalinism of the meerkat - they posess a stubborn gentleness that hasn't gone unnoticed by trained eyes.

Now, Janet Baker-Carr has really produced something magical here - if it was possible to bottle her brain, I'd certainly be tempted to try it. This book will make you laugh and cry, then laugh again with it's delicately told woven vignettes of truth - "When she dies, they stand on her grave and bray a sad requiem on and on into the night" - powerful stuff. (However I must take issue with her stand on mules - a mule is not a donkey. IT IS AN ABOMINATION.)

An Extravagance of Donkeys? More like, An Embarassment of Riches!

Amazon#7: Home Alone 2. Lost in New York (novelisation)

Left on his Todd.

Link - 5 stars.

Todd Strasser gives Kevin McAllister a genuinely poignant voice in his stunning adaptation of the classic film - personally, I rank it alongside the second Godfather film as a sequel that not only stands as a great work in it's own right, but as a film that actually enhances the scope and emotion of the first of the series.

The novella format leaves ample room for each plot point to breathe in an almost Brechtian fashion, something which I felt was lacking in the frenetic pace of the movie. With this in mind, it doesn't make it the kind of book you can breeze through in several easy sittings - a book like this needs time to digest, and is best read with an investment of around 6 months of your time.

Of course, nearly 15 years on from this being published, the world is a different, more terrifying place. The looming spectre of terrorism has given the subtitle - "Lost in New York" - a scarily prophetic edge. It acts as a potent metaphor - because who can honestly say that in today's world, we don't see ourselves as Macaulay Culkin, running blindly scared through a dilapidated house, being chased by Joe Pesci and that one from City Slickers, and only finding refuge in a kindly old lady with a demented pigeon fetish?

I know I do.

Amazon#6: 9ct Yellow Gold AMR303949 Ladies 0.01ct Diamond & Fresh Water Pearl Ring Size Q

Lord of the rings.

Link - 5 stars.

I bought this ring for my wife's birthday, and it's certainly made her life less dreary than it previously was. Although a warning - the night before, she went out to celebrate with her friends, so I got tanked up on Hofmeisters and thought it would be funny to try on one of her dresses. One thing led to another, and I developed the foolhardy notion that the illusion would be incomplete unless I was wearing the ring. Well, it's clearly designed for dainty digits and not my chubby man hands, as it was stuck solid - at this point, I panicked, then formed a plan and went straight to bed.

Needless to say, the wife was not best pleased when she was presented with a wrapped finger on the morning of her birthday. I called my mate Terry who is a fireman, and he cut the ring off - it now lies in pieces at the bottom of the carp pond, and the wife insisted I buy her a new one.

That aside, it's lovely.

Amazon#5: Le Creuset Almond Ramekins x 2

My life has changed!

Link - 5 stars

After trying these stoneware ramekins, I could never go back to my previous method of home-made paper cones - I can't go back, and I won't, so please don't ask me to.

Amazon#4: Spiders of Britain and Northern Europe (Collins Field Guide)

It's certainly about spiders.

Link - 4 stars.

If you'd like a book about spiders, then this is probably the book for you, as it almost entirely consists of information about spiders. I don't care for spiders that much, so I didn't find it that enthralling - personally, I prefer books about donkeys.

Misses out on 5 stars due to the lack of donkey references.

Amazon#3: Silas Marner (Wordsworth Classics)

Wow!

Link - 5 stars

Awesome book, simply awesome to the max. The kind of book that's so thrilling, you can't help but jump in the air and exclaim your glee with extreme volume every other page - indeed, I was thrown off the train for that very reason. I finished reading the book at the station in a feast of jumping and yelling, and I regret nothing.

Can't wait for the sequel!

Amazon#2: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Extended Edition Box Set)

Far Fetched.

Link - 3 stars.

I can't say I cared for these films. The basic premise was ridiculous - I've never seen a man wear a ring (let alone a ridiculous miniature version of a man) - and then it just gets worse from there, featuring all kinds of animals that don't exist. I haven't lived an especially long life, but I've never seen an orc, elf, dwarf or Bernard Hill, so I find it an affront to my dignity and intelligence to have to watch them endlessly paraded in front of me in my own home.

I'm the kind of gentleman who has to finish watching something once it started, and I'm disgusted that I lost 10 hours of my life to this far fetched, unrealistic trash.

Three stars.

NB - worth clicking on the link to see the random comments.

Amazon#1: Draper 13506 Paint Roller & Tray Set 230mm

Link - 4 stars.

This Draper paint distribution assistant does all the tasks required of it, but no more. I painted my dining room using only this item and a chair for some high corners, which proves that hiring decorators is unnecessary and undesirable.

Loses out on 5 stars as the paint was not included - I had to buy it from a seperate vendor, which is neither cheap nor convenient in today's world.